A Kenyan Man Goes to Buy Condoms

conndoms

So the girl you have been eyeing for ages has finally accepted a sleepover and you have a feeling that this will be a good night. You had praised your kitchen skills on Whatsapp and she wants to taste your food. You will cook for her. So, you go to the market, or supermarket depending on where you are, and buy cooking stuff you don’t use in your bachelor pad, like carrots and cucumbers, garbage. You get ginger, dhania and pilipili hoho, too. If you are like me, the only malighafi(read spices) you normally use are salt, a small onion and tomatoes. Today you are stocked. It will be a hot dinner. You aim to impress the empress.

Your bachelor pad has only one bed, and you have a feeling that the kitchen won’t be the only hot room in the house tonight. You see, on Whatsapp, in your late night chats, you have started raunchy Truth or Dare games with raunchy details. You have this gut feeling that you have been blessed. Not for procreation purposes – she is not here for marriage. And you don’t want to return home ‘on a vehicle carrier in a box’ as your grandmother once said.

You will need condoms….. you know, just in case.

So after your shopping, you set out to look for the sheaths. That’s where trouble starts. You don’t buy these things like you buy potatoes. You have to sweat for it. As they say, good things rarely come easy.

So, you walk down the street, peeping into shops to see, one, if the good old packet is hung on the shelves and two if the shopkeeper is an approachable agemate. If you live in a small town, the shopkeepers are mostly women the age of your mother wearing glasses and kilemba. Such shopkeepers don’t stock condoms. It’s a sin. Your best bet is a chemist. So, you keep walking, looking for chemists.

condoms Amazon
Assorted Lifestyle Condoms: Amazon

Chemists

Chemist 1 has a queue. There is no way you will queue, and in the full glare of the public, ask for the forbidden sachets. Pass.

Chemist 2 has more than one attendant. You can’t imagine walking in and whispering to the guy that you want Durex and he shouts to the lady. “Do we have Durex in stock?” To which she shouts back, “No! Tell him we have Trust Studded and Salama!”. And after you leave they will discuss you, anyway. Pass, again.

Chemist 3 has one, approachable guy. But there is an older guy there, eating stories with him. He has even been given a chair, and from the looks of it, he is not too sick to stand. He plans to stay for long. You kick an avocado seed in the street in frustration. Why do people go to talk with the pharmacy guy? These people are cursed.

Chemist 4. Voila! There is only one guy inside so you pull your hood to your eyes and walk in. You find him talking on the phone and he cheerfully lifts his index finger, to please wait ooone moment. You place your shopping paper bags on the floor and shuffle your feet impatiently. Then, just then, a cute girl from the neighbourhood walks in. There is no way you are buying condoms in her presence. You never know, she may be a potential. You ask for mosquito coil, and ABZ, for de-worming. “This elnino has come with too many mosquitoes”. You explain.

How to buy condoms

Kiumane

You start walking back the way you came. Popping your eyes into the chemists. There has been no improvement. You start trying to remember if you have any leftover CDs from previous sexcapedes. You have one piece of Trust, two pieces of Femiplan, one piece of those brown government condoms, and an empty packet of some Durex under the bed. From what she had said on Whatsapp, she doesn’t do the deed in the dark. Chucking brands upon brands of condoms will be suicidal.

You decide….kiumane. You walk into Chemist 2- it also has M-Pesa:
Naweza toa?
“How much?”
3-fefte
“Sawa”

As the guy is perusing his M-Pesa book, you ask discretely. “Uko na CD gani?” He unashamedly turns and takes you through the entire wall of condoms like those Bata attendants showing you different shoes in a rack. You cut him short. “Give me 5 packets of Femiplan”Femiplan has 6 pieces per packet and with 30 condoms and a limited supply of partners, you know they will last a long time. You don’t want to go through this gruelling experience again.

You walk home, feeling like a Roman general who has just conquered the entire world.

Your guest arrives to a hot, saucy meal and when that time comes… it turns out it is that time of the month for her. You will not be using the condoms tonight, or anytime soon. You wail in agony.

And die.

****************

condoms meme

55 Comments A Kenyan Man Goes to Buy Condoms

  1. FRANKLINE MWENDA KIBUACHA November 13, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    Hahaha +Betsy … There are other things you people buy that are worse than condoms. 😉

    Reply
  2. Charles Okoth November 19, 2015 at 7:07 am

    Next time while whatsapping, make it clear no coming to my place when its that time of the month Period. Nausisema kimeru style itatoka mbaya.

    Reply
  3. zac November 20, 2015 at 10:37 am

    Chucking brands upon brands of condoms will be suicidal…..

    Reply
  4. Ruby Murungi December 6, 2015 at 8:36 am

    What's so biggg about buying condoms anyways? ?hahahaaa for me….i just walk in n don't care how many customers r at the counter…'pls pass me 2packets of durex kaka'…..as long as I know am protecting myself from goin back to the village in a….*what did u call it again?*..nheheheee no big deal in buying condoms!unless am buying a dildo lol!!

    Reply
  5. Ruby Murungi December 6, 2015 at 8:38 am

    What's so biggg about buying condoms anyways? ?hahahaaa for me….i just walk in n don't care how many customers r at the counter…'pls pass me 2packets of durex kaka'…..as long as I know am protecting myself from goin back to the village in a….*what did u call it again?*..nheheheee no big deal in buying condoms!unless am buying a dildo lol!!

    Reply
  6. FRANKLINE MWENDA KIBUACHA December 20, 2015 at 5:23 pm

    Hahaha. I also want a ninja girlfriend when I start using them. So that she will be the one buying. IT is easier to buy the toy,though. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan February 17, 2017 at 2:33 pm

      It’s such a struggle… don’t laugh.

      Reply
    2. Mercy Baiyenia February 17, 2017 at 2:40 pm

      really I SEE a business opportunity there chap chap deliveries..hahah

      Reply
    3. Erik Mutei February 17, 2017 at 2:44 pm

      Mercy Baiyenia Delivering gumboots, really? Haujipendi

      Reply
    4. Mercy Baiyenia February 17, 2017 at 2:46 pm

      Erik Mutei we will partner security ni muhimu

      Reply
    5. Erik Mutei February 17, 2017 at 2:49 pm

      Mercy Baiyenia hehehe aaih!

      Reply
    6. Frank Kenyan February 17, 2017 at 3:08 pm

      There is a company in the US called Dial-a-Condom… you simply call and they deliver to you discretely. No one on the table will know. I wonder if it can be done here

      Reply
    7. Erik Mutei February 17, 2017 at 3:50 pm

      Frank Kenyan bizna ideas uuh

      Reply
    8. Frank Kenyan February 18, 2017 at 7:46 am

      Not for the faint hearted. If you are on a dryspell and you are delivering pipes to other people with water…

      Reply
  7. Fridah Sheshe Maore February 17, 2017 at 3:01 pm

    Hahahahahah!!aki utanimaliza siku moja…Its a real struggle kwa hivo..

    Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan February 17, 2017 at 3:09 pm

      Yii… heshimu majamaa chenye wamepitia ustake jua.

      Reply
    2. Fridah Sheshe Maore February 17, 2017 at 3:40 pm

      Pia warembo wakienda kununua P2 ni hivo tu..somebdy told me a story..wee..hahhaa

      Reply
    3. Frank Kenyan February 17, 2017 at 8:24 pm

      Madem hawanaga chills. Wao ununua kununua

      Reply
  8. Rafiles Dauthasi Ihugo February 17, 2017 at 3:31 pm

    The government is providing studded free condoms to the men. Its all about women welfare with these modern feminist government

    Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan February 17, 2017 at 3:38 pm

      Haha. . Wapi tuendee msee? Yes… affirmative action is about women, women

      Reply
    2. Frank Kenyan February 17, 2017 at 8:22 pm

      Ah. .. do you want pills instead?

      Reply
    3. Rafiles Dauthasi Ihugo February 18, 2017 at 5:05 am

      I hear they are working on a male pill. It will be heaven sent. No more surprise pregnancy from some woman who want to trap you in a marriage.

      Reply
    4. Rafiles Dauthasi Ihugo February 18, 2017 at 5:19 am

      Nice article although you are still be politically correct for instance when you say you will protect women because you are physically different. Why do you have to do it at all? Why is it you problem? I have seen so many men beaten up in bar because they wanted to protect some “empowered” girl who was being insulted or roughened up by bully men and it always ends badly for the whiteknight man or the bully man.

      Reply
    5. Frank Kenyan February 18, 2017 at 8:59 am

      That is where we disagree abit. If your woman(WAG, sister, mother, cousin, friend, etc) is facing a challenge from a man that is physical,it is your duty to protect her. Let me man pick his match. Of course you don’t need to go fighting for random women with people you can’t beat ukijifanya superman

      Reply
  9. Jedidah Nkunja February 18, 2017 at 4:59 am

    People don’t shy off from buying these things. ..and if there are some left I can help. Jana I was in a pharmacy counter and I saw several right where I was standing. My point is, I can pick for you since I don’t need them hahaha

    Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan February 18, 2017 at 5:13 am

      You saw several men, or several condoms? Sasa utasema any time we go to the pharmacy we are buying gumboots. 🙂

      Reply
    2. Jedidah Nkunja February 18, 2017 at 5:16 pm

      Hihi..condoms kwa pharmacy ya hosi…free of charge

      Reply
  10. Nancy Twiri De Martial February 18, 2017 at 5:14 am

    And by the way,where have you men Got the courage to purchase a p2 from.?who came up with this idea?what does the condom prevent?what the purpose of the p2.?ooh unto the boy child…a tap on the shoulder to the men with courage of purchasing a condom….

    Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan February 18, 2017 at 5:38 am

      Wee, men buy P2? I want to see a man who buys P2.

      Reply
    2. Frank Kenyan February 18, 2017 at 5:39 am

      But Rafiles.. there are people who just use P2 normally. It is their thing.

      Reply
    3. Rafiles Dauthasi Ihugo February 18, 2017 at 5:51 am

      Are you suggesting they are addicted and are these people not afraid of STDs instead

      Reply
    4. Nancy Twiri De Martial February 18, 2017 at 6:05 am

      Rafiles Dauthasi Ihugo,they use it instead of condom…then you wonder when KAIS bring increase of HIV rate among youth….

      Reply
    5. Ma Shirley de CateKathanzu February 18, 2017 at 7:16 am

      Truly its a digital world… But if you listen to a elder like me. .stop using those things esp the p2..i guess you don’t wanna ask why you are barren one day.. Girls style up..hii kitu ukiolewa ata utaxhoka wacha ivo mnatafuta vile mtaifikia saa hii

      Reply
    6. Frank Kenyan February 18, 2017 at 7:46 am

      Haha… CATE amesema na amemaliza! Buy condoms ama muache tabia mbaya.

      Reply
  11. keroh February 18, 2017 at 11:12 am

    Hehehe, when we were kids we used to walk on mud barefooted .. Na mvua dint stop us.. So mwambie ‘bla bla bla staki kuskia.’

    Reply
  12. Evans khabeko February 18, 2017 at 1:36 pm

    Frank,keep it up man you are doing a great job,I love it I always read your articles, when is the book coming out,

    Reply
  13. Andrew Mugambi Mutua February 18, 2017 at 5:51 pm

    Serikali saidia,,,AMA naomba serikali ingilie kati

    Reply

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