FRANKMWENDA

The Writing of my Place in History

A Kenyan Man Goes to Buy Condoms


conndoms

So the girl you have been eyeing for ages has finally accepted a sleepover and you have a feeling that this will be a good night. You had praised your kitchen skills on Whatsapp and she wants to taste your food. You will cook for her. So, you go to the market, or supermarket depending on where you are, and buy cooking stuff you don’t use in your bachelor pad, like carrots and cucumbers, garbage. You get ginger, dhania and pilipili hoho, too. If you are like me, the only malighafi(read spices) you normally use are salt, a small onion and tomatoes. Today you are stocked. It will be a hot dinner. You aim to impress the empress.

Your bachelor pad has only one bed, and you have a feeling that the kitchen won’t be the only hot room in the house tonight. You see, on Whatsapp, in your late night chats, you have started raunchy Truth or Dare games with raunchy details. You have this gut feeling that you have been blessed. Not for procreation purposes – she is not here for marriage. And you don’t want to return home ‘on a vehicle carrier in a box’ as your grandmother once said.

You will need condoms….. you know, just in case.

So after your shopping, you set out to look for the sheaths. That’s where trouble starts. You don’t buy these things like you buy potatoes. You have to sweat for it. As they say, good things rarely come easy.

So, you walk down the street, peeping into shops to see, one, if the good old packet is hung on the shelves and two if the shopkeeper is an approachable agemate. If you live in a small town, the shopkeepers are mostly women the age of your mother wearing glasses and kilemba. Such shopkeepers don’t stock condoms. It’s a sin. Your best bet is a chemist. So, you keep walking, looking for chemists.

condoms Amazon
Assorted Lifestyle Condoms: Amazon

Chemists

Chemist 1 has a queue. There is no way you will queue, and in the full glare of the public, ask for the forbidden sachets. Pass.

Chemist 2 has more than one attendant. You can’t imagine walking in and whispering to the guy that you want Durex and he shouts to the lady. “Do we have Durex in stock?” To which she shouts back, “No! Tell him we have Trust Studded and Salama!”. And after you leave they will discuss you, anyway. Pass, again.

Chemist 3 has one, approachable guy. But there is an older guy there, eating stories with him. He has even been given a chair, and from the looks of it, he is not too sick to stand. He plans to stay for long. You kick an avocado seed in the street in frustration. Why do people go to talk with the pharmacy guy? These people are cursed.

Chemist 4. Voila! There is only one guy inside so you pull your hood to your eyes and walk in. You find him talking on the phone and he cheerfully lifts his index finger, to please wait ooone moment. You place your shopping paper bags on the floor and shuffle your feet impatiently. Then, just then, a cute girl from the neighbourhood walks in. There is no way you are buying condoms in her presence. You never know, she may be a potential. You ask for mosquito coil, and ABZ, for de-worming. “This elnino has come with too many mosquitoes”. You explain.

How to buy condoms

Kiumane

You start walking back the way you came. Popping your eyes into the chemists. There has been no improvement. You start trying to remember if you have any leftover CDs from previous sexcapedes. You have one piece of Trust, two pieces of Femiplan, one piece of those brown government condoms, and an empty packet of some Durex under the bed. From what she had said on Whatsapp, she doesn’t do the deed in the dark. Chucking brands upon brands of condoms will be suicidal.

You decide….kiumane. You walk into Chemist 2- it also has M-Pesa:
Naweza toa?
“How much?”
3-fefte
“Sawa”

As the guy is perusing his M-Pesa book, you ask discretely.ย “Uko na CD gani?” He unashamedly turns and takes you through the entire wall of condoms like those Bata attendants showing you different shoes in a rack. You cut him short. “Give me 5 packets of Femiplan”Femiplan has 6 pieces per packet and with 30 condoms and a limited supply of partners, you know they will last a long time. You don’t want to go through this gruelling experience again.

You walk home, feeling like aย Roman general who has just conquered the entire world.

Your guest arrives to a hot, saucy meal and when that time comes… it turns out it is that time of the month for her. You will not be using the condoms tonight, or anytime soon. You wail in agony.

And die.

****************

condoms meme

Previous

Fat or Thin, you are Beautiful!

Next

THAT Year After High School

55 Comments

  1. Thank God I am not a Man!

  2. Hahaha +Betsy … There are other things you people buy that are worse than condoms. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. Next time while whatsapping, make it clear no coming to my place when its that time of the month Period. Nausisema kimeru style itatoka mbaya.

  4. zac

    Chucking brands upon brands of condoms will be suicidal…..

  5. What's so biggg about buying condoms anyways? ?hahahaaa for me….i just walk in n don't care how many customers r at the counter…'pls pass me 2packets of durex kaka'…..as long as I know am protecting myself from goin back to the village in a….*what did u call it again?*..nheheheee no big deal in buying condoms!unless am buying a dildo lol!!

  6. What's so biggg about buying condoms anyways? ?hahahaaa for me….i just walk in n don't care how many customers r at the counter…'pls pass me 2packets of durex kaka'…..as long as I know am protecting myself from goin back to the village in a….*what did u call it again?*..nheheheee no big deal in buying condoms!unless am buying a dildo lol!!

  7. Hahaha. I also want a ninja girlfriend when I start using them. So that she will be the one buying. IT is easier to buy the toy,though. ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Hahaha. THose topicsare never spoken. They are assumed activities….like eating.

  9. Yeah man….. Pointing is easier.

  10. evening made……..

  11. Leave for who and for what.. Hahaha

  12. Hahahahahah!!aki utanimaliza siku moja…Its a real struggle kwa hivo..

  13. The government is providing studded free condoms to the men. Its all about women welfare with these modern feminist government

  14. People don’t shy off from buying these things. ..and if there are some left I can help. Jana I was in a pharmacy counter and I saw several right where I was standing. My point is, I can pick for you since I don’t need them hahaha

  15. And by the way,where have you men Got the courage to purchase a p2 from.?who came up with this idea?what does the condom prevent?what the purpose of the p2.?ooh unto the boy child…a tap on the shoulder to the men with courage of purchasing a condom….

  16. keroh

    Hehehe, when we were kids we used to walk on mud barefooted .. Na mvua dint stop us.. So mwambie ‘bla bla bla staki kuskia.’

  17. Evans khabeko

    Frank,keep it up man you are doing a great job,I love it I always read your articles, when is the book coming out,

  18. Andrew Mugambi Mutua

    Serikali saidia,,,AMA naomba serikali ingilie kati

Leave a Comment