FRANKMWENDA

The Writing of my Place in History

Category: Funny

Chronicles of my Village, Gitura 2

even-as-the-operation-against-illicit-brews-went-on-this-drunkard-was-too-intoxicated-to-notice-what-was-happening333

Due to public demand, let’s continue from where we left. About the great city of Gitura. Well, it’s a village, but there is a Pastor who came to preach in a crusade at Gitura Primary School and he told God to bless the ‘City of Gitura’ … I was proud of my city my village that day , and as you know, what God has blessed no one can put asunder.

Speaking of Pastor, I told you there is a time Gitura was as bad as Kosovo.

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Chronicles of my Village, Gitura

village Mamaa

This is NOT Mamaa

The other day I was told of a women group on Facebook rivalling Kilimani Mums… it’s called Vuteni Stool. When a woman says, “vuta stool nikuambie”, know it’s going to be a hot story.

I’m not a woman, not even remotely with this smug face of mine, but vuta stool I tell you about my village. It’s one of the best, most comic places you will ever find.

Life in my village is a comedy movie.

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Boys and Dogs

boys eat away from the rest

It’s Sunday morning. It’s been a week since you had your last bath. Your legs are the real definition of mpararo – complete with whitish-greyish drawings, atlas maps on your legs.

Speaking of legs, you are showing lots of skin because your green, yellow or brown shorts reach mid-thigh like a socialite in hot pants.

Your hair looks like a lawyer’s wig. White from the kamuithia you made with ashes on Monday. And yesterday’s swimming at the stagnant pond nearby.

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If you are Circumcised

uncircumcised-penis banana

“Kama umetahiriwa nitusi tena.”

I was in my village last week. And I took a walk around the village one fine evening inspecting projects of development.

The girls I knew as babies were shyly smiling at me. Grown women who are now worthy of visiting my simba.  One or two now have babies of their own.

Boys I saw being taken home in baby shawls from hospital are now fearsome young laing’o capable of filling both cheeks with taxiies of veve (a feat I have never accomplished).

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Random Memories 4: Slippery Nipples and a Blow Job

poonam-pandey-flaunting-her-cleavage-while-enjoying-her-meal-201603-683173

There is a common saying among my crew, “We belong to the clan of pigs. We eat anything.” Growing up, I have eaten anything I have been offered, including the sumptuous, inviting piles of mole soil. 🙂

It has all been a factor of what I can afford at a point in time.

Or the Nairobi Initiation 3 period, when Kero and I lived in a house within a house, where the family used to eat chicken daily and we would pass by their kitchen to go make ugali with the sufuria we had cooked porridge in in the morning, without washing.

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Random Memories 3: The Devil Did It

When I told you I was already a sexpert by Class 2, I know you said to yourself “this is one of those hopelessly spoilt brats.” No. I was better than most, most of the time. Or rather, instead of doing the small small things that got y’all caned daily, I would accumulate my misdeeds and unleash one huge misdeed at some point. It would be so big a sin, even comical, I would be unbeatable. People would just laugh it off, or look at me in bewilderment.

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Random Memories 2: The Sexpert

random memories sexpert

I was telling you the other day about my life with my grandparents. With the worms gone and a contract for the supply of mandazi signed with the local chef de mandazi, Kombo, life started. I went to school quite early, barely three, given there were no baby classes and kindergartens back then. They had to find something for me to do rather than spend time chatting with grandma’s drunk customers and getting tempted by yummy mole hills.

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Random Memories 1: When I was a Soil Eating Beggar

 Let’s start from the beginning. To as far as I can remember – when I was a beggar. Literally.

 I am my parents’ first born.We didn’t live at home at some point. We lived in the remote Antubetwe Kiongo shopping centre (mouthful, huh?)  where my dad had a clinic. Our living quarters were the kaplot behind the clinic.

 Those who know me know I love tea. Before you poke fun at Luhyas, get in touch with me first.

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Invest in Your Woman!

couple money woman

The past few weeks have been quite fast for me. Long nights, hard work (which I enjoy a lot, by the way), hours facing a screen of sorts and, well, not having time for myself, leave alone lovers and friends. Takes a toll on life, trust me. But it is a phase you have to go through when you have a young calf you need to breastfeed and support to stand on her feet. (See what I did there?

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Hello – The Nonsense Cover

hello cover Kenya
Hello
Niaje
How have you been?
You liked 11 photos on my Instagram yesterday,
Did you stop because my 12th pic is a #WCW?
That made me think unanistalk,
Are you?

Hello, can you hear me?
Ni California (my childhood nickname),
Namiss vile ulikuwa unaniita Calif,
When we were young and free,
I am now older, just call me Frank. Nikuite Mama nani?

There is such a difference between us
I hear you have three kids..

Hello from Mauaaa!

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Have You Seen This Idiot?

Kay Eye Isaac
I hate Whatsapp! Let me rephrase that. I dislike some aspects of Whatsapp. Like the endless viral messages you receive from 69 people and in 13 groups. You may get the same freaking picture 7 times in the SAME group! I would uninstall it any time were it not for my stinginess with airtime. Why chat on Bob’s expensive airtime when you can do it for free(almost?).

By the way, it is official! You will NOT be paying for annual subscription for Whatsapp!

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THAT Year After High School

high school jobless kenya
KCSE is over! I had forgotten about KCSE, it’s existence, and importance till this year. My brother, who has had a very difficult high school life and a live-in cousin have both completed KCSE. Welcome to semi-life, Evans and Alex. Now, please stop, and tell your parents to stop, calling me asking if you can come to stay with me for some time. I’m a bachelor about town and I like staying alone. More importantly, I want you to stay at home and ‘enjoy’ life as I enjoyed it back then-raw!
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A Kenyan Man Goes to Buy Condoms

conndoms

So the girl you have been eyeing for ages has finally accepted a sleepover and you have a feeling that this will be a good night. You had praised your kitchen skills on Whatsapp and she wants to taste your food. You will cook for her. So, you go to the market, or supermarket depending on where you are, and buy cooking stuff you don’t use in your bachelor pad, like carrots and cucumbers, garbage. You get ginger, dhania and pilipili hoho, too.

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I am Looking for a Wife!

Wife

Have you slept hungry, not because you don’t have food in the house, but because cooking sucks, especially when you know you will eat it alone? Have you then tried to sleep in a cold bed (in Limuru), alone, and still hungry? Have you woken up at 1:00 pm every Saturday, hyper hungry and stayed indoors till Sunday evening without speaking to anyone? Makes the mouth stink. Has Monday ever reached without you doing the laundry for the week because you had no one to wash for you, or at least motivate you?

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Baite Inside! Yes, I am a Meru!

Meru Boy chewing miraa

A few weeks ago, I was lazily scrolling my Facebook when I saw a beauty. Some of you will call me a fisi, but males are supposed to “see” beautiful females, right?  I see them a lot. But this one caught my eye. She was beautiful. I just like such photos. But I commented on this. See, she was wearing a tee shirt that resonated with me. It had this message that I had seen before but, frankly, hadn’t given much thought: Baite Inside: Proud to be Meru.

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Nairobi Initiation 6: I Have Been Conned, and Mugged.

I am walking home from college. Remember, I am doing CPA at Vision and I live in Plot 10, Kirinyaga Road. Just past Globe Cinema, this guy meekly greets me. He is lost, and wants to know where KCS house is. I tell him I don’t know. He has this heavy Meru accent, and I ask him if he is Meru… He is. Where? Kianjai. Wow! I went to school near those parts. Next thing I know, we are korogaing deep American.

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Nairobi Initiation 5: Plot 10, the Sin City.

Have you ever lived in a remote control house? These are the houses, err, cubicles where a 6 by 3 ft bed fills the room. You can touch all four walls lying on the bed. You can close the door and window, cook, reach the “wardrobe” side of the room, and the TV that you have to hang from the roof because there is nowhere to place it. That, my friends, a remote control house.

Plot 10 is located right in town-yes, we lived in the CBD!

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Nairobi Initiation 4: “We Ate Bread With Sirua!”

If you are reading this,you must have read part 1-3. Thank you for sticking with me. This is a true story and I have evoked nostalgia in some of my friends, and anger or shame or whatever in others. I am just Frank.

Where were we last time? Yes,we had to leave the house we knew as Mwanyenye- we knew only the house girl’s name because everyone in the house used to call her so loudly in Kisii,even in the middle of the night, to pass a glass of water.

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The Nairobi Initiation 3: “I Swear I Didn’t Do It. Blame the Cat”

So I came to Nairobi… And did all manner of things, including walking all the way to Rongai and meeting my high school sweetheart, Makena. As I was telling you…meeting Makena introduced a new aspect in my Nairobi life… A new dimension.
          Nairobi Initiation 2.

Makena had progressed a big deal. She was way ahead of me in class-she was almost finishing CPA while I was starting. She was a laid back, devout young lady while I was a Hip Hop head.

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The Nairobi Initiation 2: “I Walked to Rongai!”

Rongai Nairobi stage

I was telling you the other day of some villager’s(aka yours truly) ‘soft’  landing in the largest metropolis in Eastern Africa-Don’t we love bragging with our city, Nairobi? Being the most intelligent monkey in a group of apes makes you number 1 by design. 

Anyway, here I was, on the morning after. Duwano was actually a five star hostel, by my standards, maybe. There was a good breakfast ready-eggs, sausage, toast and tea-this was the life, baby!

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The Nairobi Initiation 1: “I Will Be Your Host Tonight!”

The year is 2008. It is first of July and I am at the bus office bidding my mum goodbye. I am going to the big city alone for the first time,for a long time. Going to college.

I see a flash of tears in her eyes and she looks away fast. Tells me in a croaky voice to call her when I arrive.

“And keep the money safe” I am carrying cash. 

Off we go. The bus literally crawling up those Meru hills.

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KIDS AND THEIR CLASS ANSWERS

I adore babies, I really do. So, when my times comes, I will have a dozen
I dislike viral forwarded messages on email, text, WhatsApp and wherever. So, if you send me such a message and tell me to forward “to get blessings”, I won’t.
But when the forwarded message is about kids, and it is really fun or helpful, I get that juxtaposing feeling. Bitter sweet. I received this message via WhatsApp and I think I hear a rib crack!
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Witty & Intelligent HR Questions & Answers

Witty…funny…just as I like them. Had to share:
Here are some of the typical HR questions asked to find out if the candidates have “out of box” thinking capability

Question 1:
“What will you do if I run away with your sister?”
The candidate who was selected answered ” I will not get a better match for my sister than you, sir.”

Question 2:
Interviewer: He ordered a cup of coffee for the candidate. Coffee arrived and was kept before the candidate, then he asked “What is before you?”
Candidate: Instantly replied “Tea” and got selected.
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THE ART AND SCIENCE OF MEMES

Watch your Facebook or Twitter TimeLine for a minute…There! You saw a meme, right? Some go viral, and a lot more get stifled under the pressure of the largely capturing ones.

Memes are one huge way of building exposure in Social Media- a creative meme is sure to garner you lots of attention, get your point across in a funny way, and get you the engagement you crave for.

But what is a meme? How would you define a meme?

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Its Kenya Vs Nigeria on TWITTER!

Well, #KOT is at it again.This time against Nigeria.

How it strarted: When the Kenya National Team went to Nigeria for the World Cup qualifier against Super Eagles, the Stars were humiliated by the worst reception a Federation can give a visiting team-they were given a school for accomodation and no training ground.

Well, #KOT did what they do best..’tell them’

And Nigerians on Twitter retaliated-in a big way.

Who won? The jury is still out.

I was an accountant who fell in love with writing, and eloped.

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WHAT POLITICIANS POSTED ON FACEBOOK AFTER ELECTIONS

As always, Kenya has one of the craziest, most creative lot on Facebook and Twitter.

When they are not telling foreign journalists off, they are cajoling someone for what she said on reality TV, or analyzing politics with abandon.

Immediately after elections, this is what Politicians are ‘alleged’ to have conversed on Facebook,according to  Fans of Crazy Monday.

MUDAVADI Updates:
“I wish I knew”
Uhuru,Ruto,Balala and 467 other
governors and senators LIKE this.

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THE TUJUANE MEME COLLECTION

Tujuane.
Lets know each other.
Well, that sounds like a dating site…only that now it’s a TV show on KTN.
I wouldn’t have watched it…OK, I haven’t watched it yet, but it started a huge world trend on twitter.I would have collected all the tweets, but the memes were something,really.
As usual #KOT rocked and blew it out of proportion for the poor lass.
Some in the most haphazard arrangement possible:


 

That,and the thousands of tweets,the conclusion is Don’t rattle #KOT They will burn you.

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CRAZY #KOT AND #MKZ DEBATE ANALYSIS

Dictionary for Dummies:#KOT-Kenyans on Twitter#MKZ-Mukuru Kwa Zuckenburg-Facebook

Having nailed that,The First Presidential Debate went down featuring eight 2013 Presidential candidates.
Well,initially they were 6 until:
Presidential Debatehence






Then the debate went underway and as usual,Kenyans on Social Media assisted by one Dida made it a worldwide trending topic.
I got some of the whiffs:
  1. To save Ole kiyiapi,Sms the word “PENGO” to 2013……. Mchongoano
  2. Ati huyo mtu wa sign language hapo down ati wakisema Ole Kiyapi ana point meno #KEDebate2013″
  3. Ati Kenya cannot be run from Skype???Mboss haujajaribu Faimba??

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AMAZING CVs II

Recently, Nairobi governor aspirant Jimnah Mbaru posted a 37 page CV that went viral on Social media.The catch? It was posted on facebook notes! Got me thinking,why not write mine there and instead of sending emails, I can just send the link,the Facebook link!

Anyway after Amazing CVs I, here is a round up of other crazily creative CVs that have landed their creators in big places-for their complexity,or sheer simplicity!

From where we left off,the slideshow:



This is NOT my resume by Jordan McDonnell

This guy Jodan has really intrigued me.
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AMAZING CVs I

How people present themselves through their CVs!
Look at these,you might want to revise yours!

A Horror poster.

Resume
Facebook works too!
Resume


Complete with wall comments

She even included wall comments

Eric Gandhi landed an interview at Google with this one

Resume


This person split his experiences between his right and left brain

This person split his experiences between his right and left brain

It can be Inforgraphic

Resume



You can give yourself Stars

Is it risky to rate yourself with stars?

This old school kills it!

Resume
Graphic Designer?
Same for this one

Presentation?




MORE COMING SOON>>>>>>>



Sources:
-Deviant Art
-Business Insider
-SlideShare

I was an accountant who fell in love with writing, and eloped.
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KALEMBE NDILE’S LETTER TO MICROSOFT:HILLARIOUS

Got this from circles.Had to share:

1. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the “Shut Down” button.

3. There is a button “Start” but there is no “Stop” button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is “Run” in the menu. One of my friend clicked “Run” has run up to kibwezi town.

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Life and Times of a Idle Youth

The phone rings at 8:00 am,very irritating….I look at it with one eye and gauge its importance in my dream.Its dad..he can wait.I hit the silence button and sink deeper into blankets..
It rings again at 8:50…its Mum…..again I turn a blind eye…but her words since my childhood “..a little slumber..(you know the rest,I bet your mother also told you)..” jolt me to smithens.

I look at the gas cooker at the corner of my ‘remote control’ house…the dirty dishes of last night(the girl next door came just when I had finished cooking,and cut my ratio in half,thats why there are two plates-otherwise,I eat off the sufuria).

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