FRANKMWENDA

The Writing of my Place in History

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Job Interview

Job Interview, Career, Conference, Conversation

Like everyone who wasn’t born to big money, I have had my fair share of job interviews. I have attended a couple – though not as many as most people I know (you wouldn’t say I’m an experienced Interviewee). Maybe I haven’t been lucky to get that many interviews, or maybe many of the interviews I have attended have been bulls’ eyes.

I have gotten two jobs through Skype interviews. I mean, no one-on-one – we met for the first time when I reported to work – having signed my contract online. Good jobs. And I respect these employers who don’t have to meet the person to give them a job… Those employers that look into the mind, rather that the body language and all that dressing crap. No bias. In one of these interviews, I was home alone with my daughter and she was screaming the air out of the room. And I had to interrupt the interview and sit with her for the rest of it as she tagged on my headphones, distracting daddy. I got the job. 🙂

Speaking of weird Interviews, there was this interview, back in the day, while I was still in college. The thing happened in a car…or, the interviewer was in the car and I was outside. It was one of those Cosmetics Shops at Tea Room, the job had been organized by a girl friend of mine my interviewer was hitting on. I think it was a pick up like, “beautiful girl, do you know an accountant as smart as you?

Anyway, it was a weird interview, in the middle of Dubois Road. The questions were like, what church do you go to? What is your relationship with Carol? What’s the biggest amount of money you have handled? Long and short of it, I got the offer, but I rejected the job… Guy wouldn’t let me leave work to attend class in the evening and Saturday mornings. 7:00 am – 7:30 pm, being an accountant for 15K is not something I would have done. Never mind I was a total msoto.

You want to know why quit accounting and went into Marketing and ICT? It was because of an interview. My very first real Interview. So, I received a recommendation from my accounting college Dean (Vision Institute) to be an accountant for a M-Pesa reseller. I went to the interview, sat in front of a lady and a gentleman. I felt funny just sitting there. And I realized I wouldn’t be an accountant, and there was no way I was getting this job, because I knew nothing. Never mind I had just completed CPA.

Them: Tell us 3 accounting principles.

Me: Matching principle, Accru-something, I don’t remember the third.

Them: … (Speechless)

Me: … ( Smiling sheepishly)

Them: Explain the matching principle, then.

Me: For every revenue you report, match it to the expense. (I knew this one).

Them: (somewhat reassured.) Which IFRS covers joint ventures and how would you treat a joint venture according to that IFRS.

Me: Pass.

Them: (visibly shocked at my stupidity). What? People don’t pass questions in an interview.

Me: I know, I’m sorry. Maybe I wasn’t so ready.

Them: (Laughter)

Me: (Laughter)

The interview became a laughing match. We laughed for a whole 10 minutes, taking tea and talking about computers. I even offered myself up for an IT role. Of course I didn’t get that job. 🙂

Image result for job interview funny frank

Then there was that corporate Interview, or do we say series of interviews? I went to a couple of them, waiting weeks for the next. When I finally met the decision maker – the Marketing Manager, he told me to lead the interview. Things like,

“Where do we start? What do you want us to discuss?”

Trick question, that left the inexperienced me bluffing. But it involved another trick, logical question (those psychometric tests) that I approached mathematically, and failed of course. He told me, “you are a very smart young man, but you aren’t a genius.”

But I still got the job, because, after all it was, a social media job, not a psychometric one. 🙂

The interview that gets the crown of absurdity, though, is the GNLD interview I attended in a full suit. Long story for another day.

How I Became a Dating Pro.

I am demanding a Honorary Degree in dating. I have had so many dates, dating back many many years, that I want my place among the table of men. Real men.

Follow closely.

When I was in high school I was the thing. A Gambino Casanova himself(don’t ask me who that is, my mind’s fancy creation).

I couldn’t keep myself off girls. And that started in Form 2, when I discovered the power of a cute girl in my “cool kids” graduation. Remember Makena? Girl was hot… She was easily the cutest girl in any gathering. And I was the most shy guy any gathering, too. And she was a star. Expert badminton player, hitting Nationals every time. She was wanted. Also by a Form 4 bully who told me to dump her or I get a beating after she rebuffed him and came to me. She used to force me to look into her eyes and every time, I would look far far away. Whenever she won a match, her friends would taunt me to hug her…and I would not.

I was like Deno, who, in Form 4, we tried to introduce to a girl and he fled,literally, all the way to the dormitories.

We never really materialized, but this sharpened me into a loverboy of sorts.

By Form 3, I was a pro.

I was in authority in just the Clubs that mattered which meant I was eternally in the school bus attending funkies, from athletics to ball games to Talent Shows to school trips for clubs that I wasn’t a member of. And it served in honing my skills in the dating game. I was an addict. I loved girls. Not in the loving sense-I didn’t know what love was, actually, but the manly feeling of wooing a woman, err, girl into my box, made school tolerable.

There was a learning curve. From the first time I approached a chick and my first line was:
Sasa. Unajua…….
Sijui!” She shouted back at me.

I will never forget this. But it initiated me.

I started learning how to approach girls and get them under my sleeve in the shortest time. The more I got, the better it felt. I couldn’t help myself.

And the goal? The goal was to receive the most letters in the school. And receive them I did! I enjoyed people coming to the evening prep and handing me letters to the envy of my classmates. I felt like a a star when they cheered as I got letters, every time. I would get up to five at any given time.

Sometimes I used to write back. Being  the Englishman, this was easy. All that was needed were flowery writing pads and someone to calligraph the envelope; and I would fulfil a girl’s best fantasies(and boy didn’t students fantasize in class, especially during preps?)

I became a faithful man of the house in Term 2, form 4, when I met Beth(not her real name).

It was a basketball tournament in our school and legend was that she was the toughest chics in the field. Many had tried, all had failed. She was hot, and she said she had no time for boys. There was a standing bet for whoever would get her. I was up for it! I don’t remember the magic words I used, but a few minutes later, Beth had spread her leso in the ground at the farthest corner of the field and we were lying on it eating her ice cream!

Beth and I were in a relationship by the end of that day. And we were for the next two years!

I was a hero. And I wanted to maintain that. I was faithful. And I was waiting for marriage, diligently. So diligently that Beth dumped me for “not caring to know what is between my legs.” I was dumped for not attempting to consummate our relationship! Njuri Ncheke will call me a failed man, again. But sex is not everything, right, kids? I accepted to be dumped. I was going to wait till marriage.

And then I discovered internet and online dating! This was a major break! I would hypnotize my beaus for no reason. Or, at least to satisfy my weird fantasies. Remember Prodigits? Mocospace? Tubidy? That was before 2Go broke the internet. Sema sexts.

And I met many many girls. And a few older women. If I had a shilling for every blind date I have had off the internet, I would be rich. Very rich.

Some of the meet ups turned into friendships that I have kept to date. Some generated short, relatively inexplicit flings. Some were one-time meets that turned out to be boring. And some were downright disastrous.

Take for instance, Doris. We exchanged numbers and met after some time. She was in town and was looking for ‘a plot’. So, I raided my father’s hard earned pocket money, and went to meet her. Not too bad. Not too good. I don’t judge on appearances and this has always earned me ridicule among my crew. So, we club hopped around town. All was good till she retrieved sanitary pads from her bra and started waving them in a club. I was so embarrassed my grand plans for the night came to a grinding stop. I pulled her out of the club and we spent the rest of the night in an ATM. I have never seen her since. I hear she has been blessed with three children between then and now. Could have been me. 🙂

What about Shaniqwa (I don’t remember her real name). A humongous girl straight out of high school with those succulent githeri or pizza cheeks and waist tyres to boot. The first meet was just an idle walk through town. The second one was more focused. We met in town, and went back to my place, Plot 10. Reason, there was no money to go to a restaurant. I didn’t have any intention of bouncing off this(sorry). So, I borrowed some money and got her a madiaba soda, and queens cake. I, on the other hand, bought a small packet of milk and two ngumus and blamed it on my resolution to watch my weight. Man, I was shady. She had the audacity to drink only a quarter of the soda and a few touches of the cake! And then, she simply announced “It’s time to go!”

*Spits* I begrudgingly followed her to a Paul’s Cookiemans and ordered some cake I had never heard about before. It was nicely wrapped and then she dropped the bombshell:
“Si ulipe?”
I was too pissed off. You should have seen my Meru sparks.
“Sijabeba wallet” trying to be cordial.
” What kind of man are you? You should carry man when you are walking with a girl.”

I let out a big pout and left her there…. holding the cake, went back to the house, ate her leftovers, and forgot about her. I simply wiped her from my memory.

Now that I have remembered her, I am too angry right now… I will complete this story at a later date.

Random Memories – Gatecrashing an Office Party

Mwaura Wambiru and Ben

One unusual Friday, my partner-in-crime Dan Mwaura and I are busy at our Lenana Towers office, working on a side hustle (he also happens to be a work colleague – hope my bosses don’t read this). This side hustle is packaging one Kiambu politician with a Facebook banner. The said politician – who fell from the Jubilee race in a joint-crushing thud – had given me a small assignment to make him a banner but I decided to subcontract it to Mwaura who is a well-known jack of all trades.

Mwaura is that guy who doesn’t say no to any kind of a hustle, he once told me he used to wash reptile’s way before your sisters in the Middle East complained on live TV. If Mwaura shares his CV with you , you won’t lack somewhere to fix him in your village company, his CV reads he is a masonry, a cook, a trained pastor, cameraman, designer, B2B, marketing manager, CEO Flex Technologies, marriage trainer etc. He recently trained my friend how to sire a son.

To cut the story short, we got paid via M-Pesa for the banner and were ready to go make it lit at Zodiac in town – our main joint when we have some coins. Other days we like hanging up downtown at Sabina Joy where we get lovely moments with minji minji from all over the country. Its 5:30 PM and we won’t extend even a single second to make Mchinku an extra coin. We want to catch the next flight of lift downstairs before fombe is added water. Mwaura and I have some good connections with several light-skins in the company and we don’t want them to start asking us for mpango wa weekend. We command small respect from customer care department to marketing department and we can’t stand kuchoma picha. Ndio sisi hao ndaaani ya lift.

Inside the lift, we notice a poster written “Cocktail Party at 6th Floor”. Mwaura is mesmerized, he always tells me he is a graduate in the Opportunist Faculty. He immediately presses 6 at ground floor and starts explaining to me how he is well connected with the company and he is even surprised why they didn’t tell him about the cocktail party.

Mwaura is a Maestro

Since I knew Mwaura, I have never disagreed with his sentiments, in fact when I sport a yellow yellow, I have to notify him for approval. He has to see the photos, talk to her and even touch to confirm she has no artificial implant front or behind.

There we are at 6th floor and alas! We are like the only black people at the entrance. White people are entering in twos with invitation cards and there is a table at the entrance for checking the cards. Everyone is smart except us. Mwaura is worse dressed than me, as always. The bag on his back is full of dust from RUNDA (Ruiru Ndani) and his old Bata shoes look like they can fit on both shoes. Anyway, I tell him  to call company representatives he had said he knows and he starts stories that they just chatted on the email bra bra…at this point we look stranded. Haidhuru!

He starts perusing his email to get their email address, as if people having a party check their mails. The party is going down inside and I can’t stand enjoying it from outside. I can also spot some hired catering staff distributing all kind of mashakura. Nie reke ngwere, saliva! I also notice we are blocking some VVIP at the entrance and I advise Mwaura we can’t keep acting with our phones like girls waiting for blind dates at Kencom. And there is no way we are leaving this party.

So, we decide to gatecrash the thing!

Part 2 coming soon…

SMALLWIG TURNED- BIG: VIDEO

My friend is on TV! I am from a village, so, my type of friends and I find it very hard to appear on TV- unless it’s a wedding video.

Just kidding, I know Bigwigs, too!

When I met Kay-eye, it was our first day at my place of work, you know, we were all fresh faced, and in full suits and ties( that is, before the suits were discarded) and we clicked on first site. I’d have said love, but that’s gay. Hehe

Kay Eye is a musician. I raised eyebrows and dropped them. We are all musicians, right? We sing in the bathroom, and whenever we go upcountry, we attend local church/ youth concerts-and show them what we got from the city. So, my eye brows remained down, till he gave me his Soundcloud and YouTube URLs.

Man! I was in personal terms with a mighty celeb!

Kay Eye is a wise guy, just spend thirty minutes with him, it will come down at you. So, I called him Egghead(search that up) and opened a Blog for him, called EGGHEAD, and told him to write his ideas there. Then I knew this guy would be great!

You should visit the blog and read his poems, and philosophy.

Back to music, all his salary went to the studio, he would be broke by Date 5. He grew dissatisfied with the work, as it didn’t accommodate his vast dreams. And he resigned!

To make music, and freelance work. The guy is a mathematician. An experienced statician/ analyst to boot.
So, I kept waiting for the video (I had already listened to the raw audio).

First, he sent me a link to the video shoot, on Mombasa road. A very rugged guy almost beat him up, for stepping on him as he rapped away. Those are the problems smallwigs face! Watch it here. I pitied the guy.

Then the final video landed! The guy has moves, lines, and this creative sense I have not seen in Kenya! He is a mkamba, so, gangnam style yellow all over, he is jumping like a maasai, though.

What’s more: Its Gospel!

Watch the video, and drop a line of encouragement, or whatever, for my guy.

THE SHAM THAT IS EQUITY AGENCY & MOBILE BANKING

FAIL!

Equity Bank Agency and Eazy 247 Customer care Fail

I am angry,very angry.This is a rant

I have been seated here for the last two hours and my patience is boiling,I feel like I can smash anything any minute from now. So I am now typing on my phone furiously,venting my anger on my poor phone. I think Equity should pay for a new keyboard.And a few other things. Why?

I registered for Equity Mobile Banking(Eazy 247) believing that it would live up to my expectations. Believing that it would save me time and money. Believing that now,I dont have to go to a banking hall.

To spice this up,Equity introduced Agent Banking.

We were saved.

Or so we thought.

So,this morning,I went to an ATM, and met a very long queue. I would have stayed in that queue for 30 minute
 and I needed the money ASAP. Not to worry,though,there is Equity Agents, I told myself.

So off I went to an Agent,swiped my card,even gave my details to the attendant,and waited for the transaction to complete. 30 minutes.

Now,I had lost faith in Eazy 247 because of the troubles I had faced before:Delays,trying 10 times(each costing Sh. 4) without completing the transaction and such shit(sorry)

So, I did,and today the transaction was very smooth(happy). The attendant took my setails once again, entered the Codes and the what not,she even took out the cash.

Then SHIT HAPPENED.

The   application they use,on their Nokia 2730s  went on a Please  Wait mode.

5 minutes. A queue was building up behind me.

10 minutes.  An SMS came in. Transaction complete.

Meanwhile,on the agents phone,it was still on Please Wait mode.

20 minutes,

30 minutes

1 hour.

I called the Equity Customer Care line. They entertained me for 10 minutes. My airtime.

They are not on Twitter,nor Facebook. In this Century.

I have sent them an email.I have sent one before,never replied.

2 hours later.

And I am still waiting.

I am tempted to curse.

Now that I have finished my online rant, I am wondering why I have even written this. No one will read.Equity is nowhere on Social Media circles. I dont know what their Customer Service Job Description is-if it actually exists.

UHURU WITHDRAWS FROM DEBATE

This is no longer a political blogbut wellKenyans need to know some things.

This is the letter Uhuru Kenyatta Team allegedly sent to the Presidential Debate coordinators, giving reasons for his withdrawal from the second round.

He says they didnt ask about:
Raila Odinga: Triton,Maize,Kazi kwa Vijana,and PEV.
Musalia Mudavadi: Goldenberg
Peter Kenneth:KFF and Kenya-Re scandals
Martha Karua: Moral standing(what?)
Paul Muite: Goldenberg-Kamlesh bribe
        Seems only Mwalimu Dida is the cleanest in this,but you never know,maybe he has ever eaten more than a third food components.

 It is marked PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL, but, its embedded from the internet-that tells you it is no longer so private.

If you ask me, real leaders don’t sweep dirt under the carpet-they set things straight.

Here:

MOBILE COMPANIES’ CUSTOMER CARE RANKING

Like several Kenyans,I often ‘line-hop’ to take advantage of the various phone companies offers and differential rates.
Consequently,I have ALL four lines:Safaricom,Yu,Airtel and Orange which I switch to and fro depending on the time of the day and who I want to call in my bid to save an extra coin.
Therefore,if things don’t go according to my expectations I feel cheated and have to call the customer care for an explanation or clarification.And yeah,I am very conscious of my consumer rights,so,I call any time there is an anomaly,and you can trust me I have a detailed view of how every one of them comes through in terms of solving my problems.
I rate them according to:
  • The number of times I have to call them.
  • Connection time
  • Professionalism
  • Knowledge of the executives
  • Solution of my problem
Orange
Orange does not have many problems,so you don’t have to call customer care every time..and when you do,the connection is fast,the executives are quite professional,know their work well and chances are,you will come out of that call smiling,your query having been solved.
They are relatively active on twitter,responding to queries now and then.
No much complaints.
Number:100 Twitter: @OrangeKenya
FRANKRATING : 8/10

Safaricom
It is the market leader,with the most subscribers and I think it’s quite overwhelmed by its client base in terms of customer care-just visit it’s customer care centers and the queues will tell you.Its eternally busy and connection is lucky.However,if you are lucky to get through,you will be served professionally though satisfaction is not guaranteed.
On a bright side,their Twitter team is very efficient and is my preferred method of contacting Safaricom Care.
Number: 100 Twitter: @SafaricomLtd/ @Safaricom_Care
FRANKRATING: 6/10
YU
This kid Yu.It has the most offers and is the choice for many youth due to its many free-call offers.The most cost-efficient but a very low quality.Its network is quite congested considering it’s number of subscribers.Still uses EDGE Internet(sucks) and routine dealings such as checking airtime balance and topping-up is so tasking that you just give up.
Now,the customer care is boring,for lack of a better word.Not so disappointing,but chances are,your problem wont be adequately sorted out.The executives may not even have an idea what you are talking about,and if you insist,they will disconnect you-quite unprofessional.
If you complain on twitter,they will answer after one week,with an excuse-if they respond at all!
Number: 100 Twitter: @yuKenya
FRANKRATING 5/10
Airtel
I saved the worst for last.Actually,Airtel is the reason I wrote this.
They have so many blunders-overcharging you,network issues(the 3.75G is barely noticeable),Internet wont connect for a week,among many others-so you will have to call them ALL THE TIME.
And when you call,connection time is fine-if you call during the day.I don’t know if they close at night.The executives may sound rude if you get too insistent,they will tell you a lie,like ‘we will call you’ or ‘I have forwarded your issue to the technicians’ or ‘switch your phone off and back on’.It’s very unlikely that your issue will be sorted.
I actually know one girl working at Airtel who asks me for their GPRS settings,they might have an offer that the executives don’t know about!
If they overcharge you,you have to insist for a refund-they keep telling you to wait,and when they do,it wont be the whole amount.
Their twitter account does not even seem like theirs-You will NEVER get a response or any updates.
They need to improve.
Number: 111 Twitter: No Need.
FRANKRATING: 2/10

I AM RETIRING FROM HARAMBEE STARS TOO

One of my readers asked me why I have been quiet about Harambee Stars lately,when they have been so involved in recent weeks.

I kept quiet.

You see,you cant keep defending a loser.I love the Stars,its my National Football team.But I cant go talking about them,drawing attention to our shame.You cant go announcing “come see my love’s wet bed”

We all associate with winners,that’s human nature-unless,of course,you are an Arsenal fan.Even if your child keeps tailing in their class,you dont go telling them off in public..you go silently,and rebuke them accordingly.Unless they tail for many times consecutively,then you consider seeking help.

I dont know what to say about this kid Harambee..he is a certified loser.I think its time to get him from school and see if he has other talents,such as carpentry,mechanic…anything that can help him in life.

In one month,Harambee is condemned to having to wait for at least 2014 to compete again.We got eliminated from Africa Cup of Nations,and World Cup is now a pipe dream-only mathematical possibilities remain.

I am disappointed,we all are!And I think international football isn’t our thing.Lets use the money where we have returns-athletics,volleyball,rugby,or better,develop an entirely new cream of players.

We lost hope.

I am tired of disappointments and I might retire from international football,too!

NEVER GO TO THE HR FOR A SALARY INCREASE

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been
promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the
Company is not doing any thing about it.

So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after
exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.

The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying.
My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a
day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3×366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now
have?

Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK!I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year
day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on labour day?

Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!

manager Do u work on good friday and easter monday?

man- no

manager:so less two days hw many days r left

man- 0 days!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the mashujaa day?

Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- i owe yu 1 day sir!

manager- do you work on boxing day?

man- no sir which means i owe u 2 days!

Manager:- Do
you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- I OWE U 3 DAYS!!!! shiiiiit!!!
sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.

Advice:- Never Go To The HR For a Salary Increase…………..****

>>>Peter Njoroge(via email)

victor brian: SH.10000 AN HOUR? HERE’S HOW

victor brian: SH.10000 AN HOUR? HERE’S HOW: Eenie minie miny mo Do you want to make some dough Listen close I tell you how With life dec…

GENDER QUOTA,BAD IDEA

gender equality
Gender Sum

I just heard the news…Kenya is ranked up there for providing bla bla opportunities for women…thanks to the Constitutional a third quota requirement….

Before la femme movement comes after me na majora, let me confess that I don’t mind being under a woman, I advocate their rise up the corporate ladder, heck, I would vote for a female president!I am an admirer of Wangari Maathai (a must-mention),Angela Merkel, Mother Teresa, Sirleaf….etc.

Article 81(b) Chapter 7 of the Constitution of Kenya states that “no more than two thirds of public posts can be from one gender”.

This has been blown out of proportion by women who have hitherto been society underdogs,yapping around and about that this field has been levelled,the constitution now favours them,bla bla bla….

Flashback to my 844 days when girls used to sing, “What a man can do a woman can do!”–Those were good days,morale was high,competition stiff…..now,that would have built. Great women in the society!

Nobody moves up without pressure,the constitution didn’t have this clause when Wangari Maathai took to the world with her degrees!Otherwise,she would have rested at Undergraduate,knowing she would hold an uncontested Public Office! If we give the modern Kenya girl the drive-by opportunity,she will give books a wide berth…why would you work if you had a plate guaranteed?

And to the yapping women and female activists…the boy child is yours too!Okay,I am not interpreting the Constitution as people are, I am not a lawyer,but it’s clear on ‘gender’ and not ‘female/women’! But then,would I think the playground is tilted,and isn’t motivating in any way!

Lets fight for positions,Lets look at the papers,the experience,the qualifications…….

And not the features below the belly button!

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