Laugh. Laugh again.

That’s exercise. Because, as always, Gitura stories are fun. If you read this blog, you know my village, Gitura. If you don’t, I’ll direct you to the other editions of Gitura Chronicles. It’s a village about 3 and a half kilometres East of Maua town where I was born and raised.

Today, I’ll tell you about the story of a Bishop. Okay, it’s Bisop. Bisop Kaliunga.

Now, Bisop was a man of great faith. The same faith he preached. Maybe he still is because I haven’t seen him in ages. I will go look for that man. If I can find space in his very busy schedule.

Mama Uhuru’s Buddy

You see, last I saw him he was the Bisop of a whole seven branches all with academies that he was overseeing, with plans to open some more. Back in the mid-2000s. And he had friends in high places, like Uhuru Kenyatta and his mom, Mama Ngina, and the celebrated Meru radio personality, Mwana o Ntîî. We were very lucky to be seeing him, and it was just because his home was close to Alex’ home and we were the only people in the village he could hang out with in the evenings. We were educated.

In the evenings, as we hung out waiting for Mama Alex to give us food – Alex and I were inseparable – he would awe us with the stories and testimonies of his ministry, as well as an occasional Bible verse.

For example, he would tell us, “Today I am very tired. I have spent the whole day in meetings, first with Jamleck (Mwana o Ntîî), and then with Mama Ngina at Bashin (Basin Hotel).”

“Wow! What were you talking about?” We always had to act wowed to spur him on.

“She was telling me to speak to her son Uhuru to stop drinking and smoking because he respects me so much as his spiritual father.”

“Did you talk to Uhuru?”

“Yes, he came and we spoke briefly although he was in a hurry going to open a school. If you watch the news today, you will see he was in Maua. Other times we meet secretly.”

“Do they always come to Maua, or do you go to their home sometimes?”

“They have been begging me to visit them, but my heart is not settled. Actually, Mama Ngina gave me a Frado car today. In Pact, if you know a good driver in Nairobi, please connect us. I don’t want these stupid miraa Land Rover drivers we have here. And by the way, Mama Ngina is a giver. She punds our ministry.”

The wise men brought Jesus Miraa

He even said he had been sent by miraa businesspeople to petition the government regarding miraa, with Bible verses to prove that veve is Holy Herb. Apparently, when the wise men from the East went to see Baby Jesus, they brought Joseph some miraa.

On entering the house, they saw the child with Mary his mother; and they knelt down and paid him homage. Then, opening their treasure chests, they offered him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

– Matthew 2:11

Or what do you think Myrrh is if it’s not miraa? And it’s been mentioned several times in the Bible. Bisop was sent by God.

We had never been to any of his churches. When we asked, he would say we haven’t attained the spiritual maturity to be in such revered places of worship but he would be observing us. And training us to grow. But he promised us jobs in his schools because he didn’t want P1 teachers there. He wanted real graduates from Nairobi who could impact the young children.

Cars of the Devil

That’s why we were among the first people to see his Cars of the Devil poster when it came out. I wish I still have it. It was a carefully designed poster with a giant clickbait of an headline – CARS OF THE DEVIL. When I got it, I was expecting to see a list of car makes to avoid completely, only to be met with an End Times message and meanings of common things. The word COMPUTER converted into numbers was adding up to 666 and NIKE meant No Intermercy Kill Everyone. There were others that I don’t remember.

I know you’re wondering about the Cars of the Devil title. I was, too.

“Bisop, please explain to me what this means,” I asked him.

“Don’t embarrass me, brother. You’re educated. This means ngûî cia nkoma (work of the Devil), yaani Kazi of the Devil!”

We laughed so hard, I slipped on a rock and hit my head so bad, I think that’s why I am a bit crazy to date. And he admonished me for laughing at the work of God.

Alex, with all feigned humility, asked him why he had designed and printed the poster using a computer if it was, indeed, the sign of the evil one and he quoted a Bible verse that said we should use the knowledge of the world to deliver the world. 🙂

Trust (Condoms)

Another Bisop incidence. There was a crusade in Gitura Primary School and a jukwaa had been set up. Alex and I were just hanging out on it when Bisop Kaliunga showed up.

We asked him if he had been invited to preach at the Crusade and he said they had indeed invited him, but he turned the invite down because his hand had sprained so he wouldn’t be able to hold the microphone.

We gave him a solution: To go to any shop and ask for an ointment called Trust CDs and simply apply it on his arm. The arm would heal immediately.

After training him on the pronunciation of Trust, Bisop Kaliunga set off to the shops to buy it.

We don’t know what happened at the shop but God is full of Grace and we hope He forgave us for misleading His Bisop. On a Crusade jukwaa. 🙂