We met in very unconventional circumstances. While people nowadays meet on Social Media, we met on phone. Yes. She called the office line from the US and she wanted a pair of shoes shipped to her. Not a problem, we were in the business of selling shoes online. But this one order had too many complications. Complications that, instead of turning her from me and the company, only got us closer. And closer.

First, the payment could not go through, so, she thought it was a problem with our systems. We used Pesapal and I had to engage them for some days, they also couldn’t understand what was happening, so, we were on phone with her for days. This was challenging my tech head and I was feeling too foolish. Then a moment of genius hit me! I asked her to disable her antivirus, which she did and voila! The payment went through! (Side note: A good antivirus will protect your credit card against untrustworthy transactions. Invest in one).

The payment done, we shipped her two pairs. Yes, she was so impressed she ordered two (who is looking for a salesman to deal with women, I am here). But they could not fit her! They were like 3 sizes bigger. You see, the US, in all their superpower ego, do not use standard measures. They use miles instead of kilometres, pounds instead of kilograms…and their shoe sizes are too twisted. While the rest of the world uses UK/European sizes, there is a US size, and it is quite confusing. So, the shoes did not fit her! That meant more calls. She soon had my phone number and personal email, to facilitate this. She sent them back, and we sent a test replacement pair.  It was small! This was turning out to be a very complicated sale. She wasn’t mad, she knew we were trying and it was not our fault, and she was making a new platonic friendship- with me!

So, this new friendship got more and more personal, she told me lots of her stories and I told her lots of my endless stories. Her emails are usually so long, she would make a blogger without trying. She was a lovely lady, and I was slowly becoming her best friend. She loved Kenya, and she was in love with a Kenyan man. Here is the story of Jacinta.

Jacinta has been in Kenya several times, mostly on Safari. She loves the rugged life of the jungle, being a mechanical person herself, and would come most Februaries to see our beautiful animals, and beaches, and culture. She knows Kenya more than I do, despite Brand Kenya’s campaigns for local tourism (by the way, do you go to Kuvinjari in our tourist destinations?).

And in the process, Jacinta fell in love with a tour guide. Let’s call him Joseph.

Joseph is a Kamba. He’s married but “he is so rarely at home, he wants to separate with his wife. He only meets her to see his daughter and they have rare sex to fulfill his conjugal duties. He doesn’t love her.” ‘Joseph is a quiet man in his thirties. He is not aggressive, he has no big goals and what they planned, he doesn’t follow through. Btw, Jacinta is in her 70s, or 80s.

But she loved him and he loved her back. He would cry whenever he took her to the airport. When they made love, it was heaven. You know Kenyans are blessed in that sector, don’t you? So, they wanted to spend the rest of their days together. She was willing to leave her rosy life in the US and come to Kenya, set up a business with Joseph and live happily ever after. She actually asked me to help her get a house in a good location not far from Nairobi and car leases. I was ready to help. I love love. And I fight for love. I was ready to be their love warrior.

Meanwhile, she had helped him buy a car. Jacinta is quite aggressive, she knows what she wants and gets it often. So when she bought him the car, she said it was a loan. She gave him enough money to buy a brand new car – zile za showroom. She expected him to pay her every month.

The wife knew!

Joseph’s wife knew of this relationship. She has seemingly given them her blessings. I guess she figured out this old lady couldn’t take much of her husband’s energy… and she was rich anyway. A little sacrifice for lots of riches, and in any case… si sabuni haikwishi. 🙂

This gave me my first ringing bell. I don’t like kuingilia people who have shared bedsheets. You know it goes. But this was Jacinta was my friend.. and friends don’t watch friends walk into pits. So I told her, f course in a subtle way to protect her feeble heart, that, “hey, Sweetie… please be careful. Don’t celebrate that the wife has given her blessings. This happens to tourists a lot – they get a Kenyan who gives it to them so good they want to get married… they get married or invest a lot in them, and then it turns sour. Of course I am not saying Joseph is like that, but be careful.” Of course she didn’t believe me… and I didn’t rub it in because, remember bed sheets…

But immediately after Joseph bought the car – of course not from the showroom but a decent second hand car, things started shifting. He would take weeks to respond to her WhatsApp – blaming long safaris and shit – but her love remained intact. One time she missed her so much that she flew all the way to Kenya, booked a five star hotel and waited on Joseph… and waited, and waited. Well, he finally came when she threatened to send the Police on him.

But when he came, he don’t even kiss her. Dude stayed at a corner and told her he wouldn’t make love to her because he feared her wife had gone to the witchdoctors and they would stick together if that happened. And it was never happening ever again due to this reason. People fear kukwama. 

Jacinta was broken. 80 years of experience in heartbreaks. She felt the world crash against her. There was a sudden pit in her stomach… and that sudden surge of heat hit her face. This was worth than when any of her husbands died. The room was spinning. She fainted.