Be a man and face your troubles. Actually, be a man and carry the burdens of the world.
Be a man and sweat your ass out in the mjengo to feed your family. Even the Good Lord said you have to toil. Sell one of your balls and buy food if you have to because you don’t deserve to be called a man if your family sleeps hungry.
Be a man and get yourself a job. A man cannot rest on his stupid ass and wait for his wife to go out and work. Find something to do like other men because it’s unimaginable for your woman to be the breadwinner.
Be a man and build a home for your family. A real man can’t live in rentals forever. You must own a piece of earth or we will be pointing at you and your family forever as an example of a failed man without a place to be buried. Be a man and buy land… People will praise you. You may even be called to events to speak to the youth on how to own land.
Be a man and kiss your woman even when she slaps you like they do in the soap operas. Dare to slap her back and we will kill you on Twitter. We will deport your silly ass into a prison unless you are rich and politically connected.
Be a man and take your wife places. Buy her a car and make sure your glamorous wedding is aired on TV. Make sure she has the trendiest clothes and shoes and handbags and weaves and curtains. Because, my friend, if you don’t maintain your woman she will go out to look for the real man.
Better yet, cheat on your wife, man. Actually, don’t even hide it… The society allows you to have many women. You will be less of a man if you don’t.
Be a man and fight for your country. Get up and get killed for your family. It is your duty to die because it is very wrong for the papers to write headlines like “several people including women and children died”. Get that? Be a man and be killed in their place. Actually, if you see enemies coming, run and meet them. Let them kill you first… You better die than live a coward.
Be a man and go for the woman of your dreams. Too bad if you are a broke loser and you aren’t tall, dark and handsome. They will sneer at you, but you must show the steel of a man, keep going after them. And no, even if it’s the woman who likes you, man, you are supposed to know that and go after her. Use your beard as your antennae, stupid!
Be a man and get circumcised. If you are a kihii you cannot lead us. I repeat, being cut means you have leadership qualities. The foreskin blocks the mind, too. And you cannot intermarry with other tribes if you don’t there is no way you will get the votes from the mountains.
Be a man and get rich. Drive manly cars. If you drive a Vitz you most likely use Veet to shave. Be a man and drink bitter beers without wincing like a baby. You can’t drink wine, man. Don’t you dare drink Fanta, dude.
It is a tough, rough life but, BE. A. MAN!