Chronicles of my Village, Gitura 2

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Due to public demand, let’s continue from where we left. About the great city of Gitura. Well, it’s a village, but there is a Pastor who came to preach in a crusade at Gitura Primary School and he told God to bless the ‘City of Gitura’ … I was proud of my city my village that day , and as you know, what God has blessed no one can put asunder.

Speaking of Pastor, I told you there is a time Gitura was as bad as Kosovo. The few people who were saved… no, let me rephrase that. The few church-going people intervened and held a Mega Gitura crusade in December 1999, and almost every other December and an evening Revival every Friday. Gitura changed, completely. Salvation came to the village. and many people would come forward to accept the Good Lord as their personal saviour. Sample this:

“Sema Mungu Baba”
“Mungu Baba”
“Mimi ni mwenye dhambi”
“Vile Pastor amesema Baba…”
Hapana, repeat after me.”
“Eh?”

It was fun, glorious fun.

Before that crusade in 1999, we used to go to night mkeshas only on December 24th to wait for Jesus to be born and on 31st to vuka mwaka. And these days were the worst days of the year. The church would be like a club. People would spend the day looking for miraa and soda to chana in the church that evening. Those who couldn’t afford sodas would look for plastic bottles and carry tea with a whole muthoto of sugar in it.

A majority of the men would be drunk. Some naughty girls(the ones your mother warned you about) would be done in the bushes surrounding the church. The main soloist in the church was the Gitura village soloist in all ways. He would come straight from leading “Oothi“…these are very vulgar circumcision songs… to lead the church in worship and praise. They would remix Oothi songs in church.

Even the church leaders, Mutura and Mutia would come to church drunk that night. Mutura would lead us in singing one song always, without fail:

“Maso maso ya Bwana ni makaali mno”
(Maso maso ya Bwana ni makali mno) That’s the whole church responding. He would then rap resaons why the eyes of the Lord are sharp.

These used to be fun times. And perplexing. I don’t know what we used to think the Church was back then.

The Dedicated Drinkers of Gitura

The Kayole of Gitura is called Kinyago. I think Kinyago means shit in Swahili (don’t kill me, Kinyagoans)… and that’s the capital of drinking in the city of Gitura. People start drinking at 6:00 in the morning. And since it’s chang’aa, you shouldn’t see what it does to people. The only positive side is the entertainment it provides.

drunk Gitura

Take for instance Ntoaboro. Ntoaboro used to work at the Post Office. During the day he would be a very dignified man. Meet him after 5 and you would run. He had this signature track, and the small children would follow him singing after him:

“Piiipi, Nyukwe! Mai!” If you don’t know what that means, listen to hardcore hip-hop. One day he passed by our home and insulted my grandfather. Us, being warriors, came out with rungus and pangas. He never sang near our home again, ever. Hatunaga time ya kuonyesha kitambi sauna with drunkards.
Same as the village butcher, Karume. Karume used to be drunk every day, around the clock. Bogs me how he managed that.

Oh, and my uncle Dibidi (David for you). Dibidi was the richest young man at his age. He had a TV when there were no TVs and a bed with drawers back then. Being a genius, he had made a satellite thingy, so we used to enjoy many “Nairobi” stations when only KBC was the father and mother. And then he started drinking, and everything went downhill. Remember Kibuku? The infamous alcohol that was nicknamed Songa na Mwena. He would drink that and chase us all from home. We would hear him sInging Bob Marley songs from a distance and we would all run into the shamba. One day they had a bow and arrow battle with my father.

Alibisa

But despite all these bad Kinyago things, there was a veve Base, kwa Îrû (that’s the short form of Wilson 🙂 ) This place would be to be lit. It was the headquarters of Kirianki and Bandia. If you want to enjoy life, chana at Îrû’s. With Alibisa.

If Kirianki was Churchill and Bandia was MC Jesse, Alibisa was MCA Tricky. Legend has it that Alibisa went to a Revival at Gitura EAPC one evening, and went to toa ushuhuda:

Bwana aspiwe. Bwana aspiwe tena. Mariitwa yakwa i Alibisa. Na mbitawa Alibisa ûû kweri? Mbitawa Alibisa Gitari, kwetû i Luluma lakini turumaira kalaa au kwa Îrû.

For those who don’t know Spanish, that’s “Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord again. My name is Alibisa.. and what’s my other name? Oh, my name is Alibisa Gitari, I come from Luluma but you will find me chewing my miraa at Wilson’s most of the time “

Alibisa dropped out of school at Class 5, and he broke the heart of one Mwenda o Kiumbe. Mwenda always used to be second last in class, with Alibisa the last.
This one end term, Mwenda came home and when he was asked his position in class he simply said:

“Alibisa dropped out of school.” You know what that means.

Ntombori

But the grandfather of comedy has to be Ntombori the father of Itonga and Agnes Kamami. Ntombori has a shrill voice, he speaks like a woman. He is also the slimmest person I know. Tall and thin. He wear a kagodfather hat. More like George Washington.

Ntombori Lincoln of Gitura
Ntombori Lincoln of Gitura 🙂

Always confused, you should see him collect cess in Maua town, that’s his job. You know, haggling with the market women like a peer, and bouncing off like a bestee. He once met Alex and called him his uncle, Kalare. When Alex said he wasn’t Kalare and that Kalare was much older, Ntombori said, “Haha. I was just joking, how is your wife and children, Mutura?” Mutura is Alex’ dad, and Ntombori was serious. .

The winner has to be when Teacher Mbogori gave Itonga a beating in school. Ntombori came, blazing angry. He caught Mr. Mbogori mashati and shouted in that shrill voice of his:

“Unapiga Itonga, unapiga Itonga choo wewe…” If we ever meet, ask me to tell you how he said this.

Remember Ntombori is thin…well, he is as light, and Mr. Mbogori literally threw him several metres away. Ntombori rose and ran away, threatening to go tell the Police.

I should tell you about Somibwi, the woman who feared all forms of human civilisation, from torches to cars to aeroplanes up in the sky… but I won’t. You may break your ribs and I won’t take responsibility for that.

102 Comments Chronicles of my Village, Gitura 2

  1. Alfonze Elaw Karundu November 15, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    u r cracking my ribs Frank” girls were done in the surrounding bush” give us the chronological of events that led to this.u r great composer endowned with a very sharp memory…kudos my classmate.

    Reply
  2. Nancy Twiri De Martial November 15, 2016 at 1:27 pm

    this reminds me how bandia took me Kwa iru one Sunday for a date,Mwenda oo Kiumbe akaniona so one day as we were tilling in our shamba gitura.,Mwenda had that habit of he must say hi to mom.sema Mwenda kuropokwa,mtu wangu nilionwa war.

    Reply
    1. Kim Kabaya November 15, 2016 at 2:13 pm

      Hehehe I can imagine hicho kichapo

      Reply
    2. Frank Kenyan November 15, 2016 at 5:03 pm

      Haha… mukai. Mwenda snitched on you to Itûûra. Woorowa

      Reply
    3. Frank Kenyan November 15, 2016 at 6:12 pm

      Pole mami… You should have sent Muthethia after him..

      Reply
    4. Mami O Pendo Janice November 15, 2016 at 7:04 pm

      pwahahaha Nancy ur killing me,,,,,today didnt av much was juz following u guys

      Reply
    5. Nancy Twiri De Martial November 15, 2016 at 7:12 pm

      Mwende Kim Kabaya can describe for you when I say war.mboroo utheki mwanka matu utii kuonyonya..ndalikanaa bandia Na mpuro iuu ngataika nyongo

      Reply
    6. Mami O Pendo Janice November 15, 2016 at 7:17 pm

      hahaha uuuuh pls stop….eee walikana bandia wakara atia??n that time we were close freds kinya itueyaa uucoa tuina ntinyari

      Reply
    7. Nancy Twiri De Martial November 15, 2016 at 7:22 pm

      Endi ntuko imwe bandia atumire ntinyari Na barua Sunday kanisene eti tusemanie kunyago after church.kubanga njama Na ntinyari ura tueta kuoo kenda tuonana Na bandia…weee,indaruene rukune Mani.ntimenya nuu waikaria mama nteto.ntuku imwe Mutwiri oo kiorona eyire uncoa sini ya maji eti ii Mutethia eyite ucuoa,uria Kim Kabaya,ndaurirwe mpuro mbere yoo..

      Reply
    8. Mami O Pendo Janice November 15, 2016 at 7:25 pm

      lol! kinya mutwiri o kiorona noka akuendaa Nancy?? mukai nuonente mantu ya tii size eku

      Reply
    9. Mami O Pendo Janice November 15, 2016 at 7:26 pm

      but ulikuwa ushangia box ya bandia abaa naeretie uucambura vibe

      Reply
    10. Mami O Pendo Janice November 15, 2016 at 7:28 pm

      n where is Frank asikie hii,,,or he’s just following kwa umbali??Frank uko?.

      Reply
    11. Nancy Twiri De Martial November 15, 2016 at 7:36 pm

      Uni ndari Mutwiri oo kiorona damu bandia ngui yari kuthangalania..ndandikairwa kinya barua kueleswa matu ya mpuro.nkt

      Reply
    12. Kim Kabaya November 15, 2016 at 7:37 pm

      I remember haki waurirwe uu bwa mpempe

      Reply
    13. Kim Kabaya November 15, 2016 at 7:40 pm

      Reka itu mwekuru nu mug’enti nkuruki ya jack Chan

      Reply
    14. Nancy Twiri De Martial November 15, 2016 at 7:42 pm

      ii waya ee stima kiibwayo.lakini ntukune atii mantu.mwanka rimue nkiraa nkauwa Mutwiri atiya riu ankatie alafu tusoke kua twana ringi.

      Reply
    15. Kim Kabaya November 15, 2016 at 7:44 pm

      Hehehe mutwiri Ena kiu kinene muno thaii atimulikana.. Athuania i kiumbe o Nairobi weja nawe

      Reply
    16. Nancy Twiri De Martial November 15, 2016 at 7:47 pm

      Halafu Mutwiri Ari Na biskiri I was wondering yaani rii ,mwari atuma muthaka asukuma biskiri kuuma athiru mwanka 62..lakini bou bwari wendo..kana?

      Reply
    17. Kim Kabaya November 15, 2016 at 7:51 pm

      Reka kwenda umboroa na ntheko itu

      Reply
    18. Nancy Twiri De Martial November 15, 2016 at 7:55 pm

      Halafu yara Maingi uwe,Mwenda,mwirii kana karani ibui bwari bosukuma baiskiri iu..lol.lakini nambakaa muno nontu Ari Na mwandiko sexy muno Na barua nomwanka mbandikirue kila ntuku except satu…ndari queen bwana

      Reply
  3. Evelyn November 15, 2016 at 4:40 pm

    Very interesting story, I can’t stop laughing hahaha……..

    Reply
  4. Kim Kabaya November 15, 2016 at 5:22 pm

    These guys were all my classmates… They were comedians even in class

    Reply
  5. Marion Nkunja November 15, 2016 at 3:24 pm

    hahahaha….aki utanivunja mbavu

    Reply
  6. Makena Florique November 15, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    Ati unapiga Itonga choo wewe Aki i can’t breathe

    Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan November 15, 2016 at 6:09 pm

      M’Mbori was… M’Mbori was another one

      Reply
    2. Steve Mwirichia November 16, 2016 at 1:43 am

      Wueh!!!! Just try translating ‘done in the bush’……and the tea bushes were perfect for this.

      Reply
    3. Makena Florique November 16, 2016 at 8:06 am

      I haven’t this hard in ages.. Steve Good morning..

      Reply
    4. Frank Kenyan November 16, 2016 at 9:53 am

      There are no tea bushes in Gitura City… but there was thaara which is perfect

      Reply
    5. Steve Mwirichia November 16, 2016 at 11:40 am

      Thaara is not for the fainthearted heheeee!!!….I’m still cracking up at this…….kuriiwa thaarene.

      Reply
    6. Makena Florique November 16, 2016 at 11:51 am

      Kuriwa thaarene total hell coz u won’t take a shower for a week.. I cringe!!

      Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan November 15, 2016 at 6:10 pm

      I think you should be featured in the next edition… 🙂

      Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan November 15, 2016 at 6:11 pm

      Books will be written of the Gitura City 🙂

      Reply
    2. Frank Kenyan November 15, 2016 at 7:36 pm

      It was one feared surburb… but that was a long time ago

      Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan November 15, 2016 at 7:37 pm

      Babako, “Maso maso ya Bwana…”

      Reply
    2. Purity Maeh November 15, 2016 at 7:43 pm

      mwanzo wewe hayo maso ya mungu yanakumulika sana

      Reply
    1. Steve Stivoh O Kinyua November 16, 2016 at 3:06 pm

      mmmmmm!! i know that funny man #kwake ni chini ya msitu wa #muthungutha.

      Reply
  7. Mike Klez November 15, 2016 at 10:48 pm

    hehehehehe! niko works at this ungodly hour 2 am… na imenikalia….. nipe story ya koome apuu na metal(rip)

    Reply
  8. Mike Klez November 15, 2016 at 10:48 pm

    hehehehehe! niko works at this ungodly hour 2 am… na umenimaliza kabisaaaa ….. nipe story ya koome apuu na metal(rip)

    Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan November 16, 2016 at 9:46 am

      Haha… kwani mimi ni DJ was stories?

      Reply
  9. Braveheart November 16, 2016 at 7:54 am

    So mundu murume is that funny…

    Reply
    1. Frank Mwenda November 17, 2016 at 4:00 pm

      Mundu Murume is not funny… Mundu Murume’s life is funny

      Reply
  10. Jedz November 16, 2016 at 10:13 am

    Let’s rap about maso ya bwana lol

    Reply
  11. Jedidah Nkunja November 16, 2016 at 7:20 am

    Frank Kenyan nilezee “girls were done” inamaanisha nini tihihii

    Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan November 16, 2016 at 9:48 am

      Si girls were done huko kwa thaara ya kina Nancy Nancy Twiri De Martial

      Reply
    2. Frank Kenyan November 16, 2016 at 10:01 am

      Look at YOUU innocent girl. Usitake kujua mambo ya watu wakubwa

      Reply
  12. Betty Peters November 16, 2016 at 7:55 am

    I have never laughed like this.. My cousin wants to kill me with laughter.! Nkt.!

    Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan November 16, 2016 at 9:47 am

      Hah… Gitura City things. Tell us about Kiambanjoa

      Reply
  13. keroh November 16, 2016 at 11:30 am

    “”Unapiga Itonga, unapiga Itonga choo wewe…” If u can remember how Mfa used to say it.

    Reply
  14. Royford Mutua November 16, 2016 at 8:31 am

    Felicitations author.. a prolific essay u got there

    Reply
  15. Fridah Sheshe Maore November 16, 2016 at 8:57 am

    Hahahahahahaha!!aki calif one day u may kill me with laughter…I cant stop laughing…”Maso maso ya bwana ni makali” …..bwana aspiwe

    Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan November 16, 2016 at 9:48 am

      Weka scratch na “thitimaa!” That’s how it was.

      Reply
    2. Frank Kenyan November 16, 2016 at 12:12 pm

      Nope… I just write my memories… hehe

      Reply
  16. Glow Ray November 16, 2016 at 9:52 am

    Lol. True story. Plus the kasong…aroi bauaga Jesu nakuite na Jesu atikuite ari moyo,ni nkumwibua kiongo,ninkumuibua mauru,ninkumuibua ituro na mwiri ywothe…….memories.

    Reply
    1. Purity Maeh November 16, 2016 at 9:55 am

      The kasong reminds of Nkobitu

      Reply
    2. Frank Kenyan November 16, 2016 at 10:07 am

      Hahahah…. Jesu ni jarukwasii murekerie ataambe, Jesu ni karukaswi murekeerie atambe ma… Remember Hussein?

      Reply
    3. Glow Ray November 16, 2016 at 10:10 am

      Alafu tunangojea 12 am ati Jesu nauciarwa. Ringaringeni mpi. Hata inahesabiwa 1 2 3…. Mukai!!

      Reply
    4. Glow Ray November 16, 2016 at 10:12 am

      Purity yenyewe that mzee alipenda the kasong. May he rip

      Reply
  17. Samuel Mwongera November 16, 2016 at 1:33 pm

    Wow! Awesome narrative. He is gifted… “unapiga itonga **** wewe!” (in Amerucan dialect its beyond filthy!)

    Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan November 16, 2016 at 4:12 pm

      Kookûringa Itonga, kookuringa Itonga, kioro!

      Reply
    1. Frank Kenyan November 16, 2016 at 4:13 pm

      Hah… keep your ribs right where they are

      Reply
  18. NAFTALY RATANYA...IKUU November 17, 2016 at 9:06 pm

    Aki wewe ni msanii anayeweza kuviandika vitabu vya kumbukumbu za enzi zetu, endeleza kipawa hicho zaidi

    Reply
  19. NAFTALY RATANYA...IKUU November 17, 2016 at 9:07 pm

    Aki wewe ni msanii anayeweza kuviandika vitabu vya kumbukumbu za enzi zetu, endeleza kipawa hicho zaidi

    Reply
  20. Manam November 21, 2018 at 11:52 am

    😅😅😅
    So much resemblance with my own village…hilarious Frank. Keep up👍

    Reply

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