Dear My Women, Being the International Women’s Day, I take this opportunity to appreciate you for being in my life. Being the strong pillars of the universe and the neck of this world. Thanks for being bold and standing with me… and being the epitome of strength. You are the strongest people ever, and I… Continue reading
Be a Man, man!
Be a man and face your troubles. Actually, be a man and carry the burdens of the world. Be a man and sweat your ass out in the mjengo to feed your family. Even the Good Lord said you have to toil. Sell one of your balls and buy food if you have to because… Continue reading
My Bad-ass Valentine’s Day Ideas
Last week, I was live on Radio Jambo, talking about Valentine’s Day and how to spend the least but make the best impression on Valentine’s. So if you had any doubts about my expansive knowledge of the subject of love, there you have it (twitches my fingers like a badass mafia capi). You can say “…awww, his… Continue reading
Books I Read in January
Yaay! I am achieving one of my New Year Resolutions – Reading. Last month started late and I promised myself to read two books, I finished the second book on January 31st. Makofi… Pa…Pa…Pa! (Funga! Fungua!). I may sound excited but it is the small wins that matter in life, right? This month I will… Continue reading
Bad Debt Chronicles: Musa
Everybody has encountered one, or many. Those people who, giving them a debt, under any circumstance, is like throwing your money into a pit latrine. People who have no tinge of guilt keeping money that doesn’t belong to them, and continue to live their lives normally, while you skip meals or get acid burns in… Continue reading
Taking a Cold Shower like a Ninja
Last week, Njaanuary sent me two messages, just a reminder that it exists. One, cooking gas went kaput, without warning as it always does- two gas cylinders all with 0 gas at night with minced meat on the plates. Then we woke up to no electricity – the units were also gone. You know how fast… Continue reading
Miathene Mono – My First Day in High School
I have seen a few monos in the streets this week. You can tell a mono from a mile away, you can smell even a mono. You can see it in the clothes, brand new, with ridiculously sharp iron lines, blindingly shone shoes, crudely knitted names on the sweaters, shirts and sometimes, even pants. And… Continue reading
Things 2016 Taught Me
I can’t believe 2016 was the same 12 month-long year as every other one, it felt much much shorter. What happened to the good old days when you would spend a full 12 months in one classroom? Then, time felt like time. This time it went faster than me in a sack race (I have… Continue reading
Get a Life! Live like you live for Social Media
We all know that one person who’s always sad about something, or angry at someone. Roll your mind…do you see someone? Sad Facebook posts about someone who betrayed them, a sickness they are having, how broke they are. Like a friend of mine on Facebook, whose posts I noticed were all sad as I scrolled through…. Continue reading
I Don’t Respect Women
And for this headline, the world will order for my stoning. The feminists will rise up and castigate me for saying the unthinkable. “How can you dare not respect women in this age, you archaic gorilla living in pre-colonial Africa?” “Your mother is a woman.” “Who says that?” “These are the type of men who… Continue reading
Chronicles of my Village, Gitura 2
Due to public demand, let’s continue from where we left. About the great city of Gitura. Well, it’s a village, but there is a Pastor who came to preach in a crusade at Gitura Primary School and he told God to bless the ‘City of Gitura’ … I was proud of my city my village… Continue reading
Chronicles of my Village, Gitura
The other day I was told of a women group on Facebook rivalling Kilimani Mums… it’s called Vuteni Stool. When a woman says, “vuta stool nikuambie”, know it’s going to be a hot story. I’m not a woman, not even remotely with this smug face of mine, but vuta stool I tell you about my… Continue reading
Hey, can we fight?
One day, my girlfriend (now ex) got into a fight with me because I didn’t fight her. Close your mouth… I also get girlfriends, I have a girlfriend. I just don’t post her photos on Instagram because, you know, witchcraft is real, and some jealous neighbour may see our heavenly happiness and decide to roga… Continue reading
Boys and Dogs
It’s Sunday morning. It’s been a week since you had your last bath. Your legs are the real definition of mpararo – complete with whitish-greyish drawings, atlas maps on your legs. Speaking of legs, you are showing lots of skin because your green, yellow or brown shorts reach mid-thigh like a socialite in hot pants…. Continue reading
If you are Circumcised
“Kama umetahiriwa nitusi tena.” I was in my village last week. And I took a walk around the village one fine evening inspecting projects of development. The girls I knew as babies were shyly smiling at me. Grown women who are now worthy of visiting my simba. One or two now have babies of their… Continue reading
Be like my Great Great Grandfather, Switch off WhatsApp!
My great great grandfather’s name was Thamunyari. Don’t beat your head over the name because you have never heard it. It is extinct. He is the father of my great grandfather M’Kiringo who is the father of my grandfather Mabbi. Thamunyari lived to many many years. He saw so many moons, droughts and harvests he… Continue reading
Take that selfie!
I saw her every day, apart from Sundays, for two months. She came every morning, washed my utensils (how I hate that thing), washed the floor, made my bed. She would even change my towels, arrange my clothes that I sometimes forgot discarded on the bathroom floor, and flush my toilet. While I sat, unashamedly working…. Continue reading
Random Memories 4: Slippery Nipples and a Blow Job
There is a common saying among my crew, “We belong to the clan of pigs. We eat anything.” Growing up, I have eaten anything I have been offered, including the sumptuous, inviting piles of mole soil. 🙂 It has all been a factor of what I can afford at a point in time. Or the… Continue reading
Random Memories 3: The Devil Did It
When I told you I was already a sexpert by Class 2, I know you said to yourself “this is one of those hopelessly spoilt brats.” No. I was better than most, most of the time. Or rather, instead of doing the small small things that got y’all caned daily, I would accumulate my misdeeds and unleash one… Continue reading
Random Memories 2: The Sexpert
I was telling you the other day about my life with my grandparents. With the worms gone and a contract for the supply of mandazi signed with the local chef de mandazi, Kombo, life started. I went to school quite early, barely three, given there were no baby classes and kindergartens back then. They had… Continue reading
Random Memories 1: When I was a Soil Eating Beggar
Let’s start from the beginning. To as far as I can remember – when I was a beggar. Literally. I am my parents’ first born.We didn’t live at home at some point. We lived in the remote Antubetwe Kiongo shopping centre (mouthful, huh?) where my dad had a clinic. Our living quarters were the kaplot… Continue reading
Sad Letter From Sister: Mother Misses You
When is the last time you spoke to your mother? The graceful lady that brought you forth, and brought you up? Does she know what’s happening in your life, you know, as she knew every time you got a thorn in your feet as you grew up in the village. Do you know about the… Continue reading
Invest in Your Woman!
The past few weeks have been quite fast for me. Long nights, hard work (which I enjoy a lot, by the way), hours facing a screen of sorts and, well, not having time for myself, leave alone lovers and friends. Takes a toll on life, trust me. But it is a phase you have to… Continue reading
Hello – The Nonsense Cover
Hello Niaje How have you been? You liked 11 photos on my Instagram yesterday, Did you stop because my 12th pic is a #WCW? That made me think unanistalk, Are you? Hello, can you hear me? Ni California (my childhood nickname), Namiss vile ulikuwa unaniita Calif, When we were young and free, I am now… Continue reading
Have You Seen This Idiot?
I hate Whatsapp! Let me rephrase that. I dislike some aspects of Whatsapp. Like the endless viral messages you receive from 69 people and in 13 groups. You may get the same freaking picture 7 times in the SAME group! I would uninstall it any time were it not for my stinginess with airtime. Why… Continue reading
Goodbye 2015, that was a Rollercoaster!
How years move! Just the other day, we were in 2014….kufumba na kufumbua, I have a 2016 diary. Is it only me or are years running faster every passing year? Or, is it a growing-old thing? A year was a very long time in primary school. Have I been too busy? Too much has happened… Continue reading
THAT Year After High School
KCSE is over! I had forgotten about KCSE, it’s existence, and importance till this year. My brother, who has had a very difficult high school life and a live-in cousin have both completed KCSE. Welcome to semi-life, Evans and Alex. Now, please stop, and tell your parents to stop, calling me asking if you can… Continue reading
A Kenyan Man Goes to Buy Condoms
So the girl you have been eyeing for ages has finally accepted a sleepover and you have a feeling that this will be a good night. You had praised your kitchen skills on Whatsapp and she wants to taste your food. You will cook for her. So, you go to the market, or supermarket depending… Continue reading
Fat or Thin, you are Beautiful!
A girl friend of mine inboxes me on Facebook, “Frank, imagine someone called me fat today”. I ask her, “Who? Njoki Chege?” She hasn’t replied to me. I think she feels terrible someone called her fat. She actually isn’t big, she has a nice body, but could might have added on just a little weight. She is… Continue reading
Norah: My Flame!
We all have those contacts in the phone that are just that-contacts! Numbers and emails we have no idea where they came from. Or, is it only me? I have accumulated so many over the years, considering I have never lost my contacts since I got my line in Form 2. Some have just come,… Continue reading
To My Teachers and all Teachers: I Love You!
I am who I am largely because of my teachers. I am even writing this blog, in part, because I don’t want to let my teachers down. They all thought I was going to be a journalist, or editor of some sort, because, English and Swahili were my bread and butter. Oddly, all teachers, both… Continue reading
My Wife and I: I Will be a Perfect Husband
The other day, I I told you I am looking for a wife. I told you, candidly, what I am looking for in my wife. That turned out to be one of the most popular posts I have done so far. I received lots of comments, including people calling me up. Friends wished me well in… Continue reading
I am Looking for a Wife!
Have you slept hungry, not because you don’t have food in the house, but because cooking sucks, especially when you know you will eat it alone? Have you then tried to sleep in a cold bed (in Limuru), alone, and still hungry? Have you woken up at 1:00 pm every Saturday, hyper hungry and stayed… Continue reading
Baite Inside! Yes, I am a Meru!
A few weeks ago, I was lazily scrolling my Facebook when I saw a beauty. Some of you will call me a fisi, but males are supposed to “see” beautiful females, right? I see them a lot. But this one caught my eye. She was beautiful. I just like such photos. But I commented on this…. Continue reading
Fare thee well, Mfa.
Two children, A and B are playing in ashes. You know, the game of smearing ash on each other’s face to make “Kamuithia”. Child B’s grandmother meets the kids playing and panics. You see, the “ash” is actually a very poisonous coffee pesticide. She picks up her grandchild and runs off with her, leaving Child… Continue reading
Nairobi Initiation 6: I Have Been Conned, and Mugged.
I am walking home from college. Remember, I am doing CPA at Vision and I live in Plot 10, Kirinyaga Road. Just past Globe Cinema, this guy meekly greets me. He is lost, and wants to know where KCS house is. I tell him I don’t know. He has this heavy Meru accent, and I… Continue reading
Nairobi Initiation 5: Plot 10, the Sin City.
Have you ever lived in a remote control house? These are the houses, err, cubicles where a 6 by 3 ft bed fills the room. You can touch all four walls lying on the bed. You can close the door and window, cook, reach the “wardrobe” side of the room, and the TV that you… Continue reading
Nairobi Initiation 4: “We Ate Bread With Sirua!”
If you are reading this,you must have read part 1-3. Thank you for sticking with me. This is a true story and I have evoked nostalgia in some of my friends, and anger or shame or whatever in others. I am just Frank. Where were we last time? Yes,we had to leave the house we… Continue reading
The Nairobi Initiation 3: “I Swear I Didn’t Do It. Blame the Cat”
So I came to Nairobi… And did all manner of things, including walking all the way to Rongai and meeting my high school sweetheart, Makena. As I was telling you…meeting Makena introduced a new aspect to my Nairobi life… a new dimension. Read Nairobi Initiation 1. and Nairobi Initiation 2. Makena had progressed a big deal. She was way ahead of me in… Continue reading
The Nairobi Initiation 2: “I Walked to Rongai!”
I was telling you the other day of some villager’s(aka yours truly) ‘soft’ landing in the largest metropolis in Eastern Africa-Don’t we love bragging with our city, Nairobi? Being the most intelligent monkey in a group of apes makes you number 1 by design. Anyway, here I was, on the morning after. Duwano was actually… Continue reading
The Nairobi Initiation 1: “I Will Be Your Host Tonight!”
The year is 2008. It is first of July and I am at the bus office bidding my mum goodbye. I am going to the big city alone for the first time,for a long time. Going to college. I see a flash of tears in her eyes and she looks away fast. Tells me in… Continue reading
Throwback: 1983’s Laptop
We were reminiscing about phones the other day with my friends. How mobile phones were huge just a few years ago, then started going smaller and smaller-the smaller it was, the more expensive and classy the mobile phone was. In standard human weird trends, the size started getting bigger again-now everyone wants a big phone!… Continue reading
Blame these politicians for the terror
Bad things are happening to my country. …very bad things, of serious insecurity types. Kenya has been known as the island of peace and economic stability in a region under siege….we have been brokering peace around us since independence. Now,the tide has changed. We are on the receiving end of the very things we have… Continue reading
A-Z: 26 Tips For Building Powerful Personal Brand Online
Everyone has a personal brand. Do you know what yours conveys to potential employers? When your name is Googled, what comes up? If you haven’t given much thought to your personal brand, here are a few ways to start building it. There are numerous reasons that having your own brand strengthened by your content strategy… Continue reading
10 Corporate Social Media Mistakes
You are likely well aware of how powerful social media channels have become for Corporates and Brands. When used correctly and mistake-free, you can successfully promote yourself, brand, or product.They can also harm your reputation, big time. Let us look at 10 Mistakes you are probably making on your Corporate Social Media efforts and how… Continue reading
KIDS AND THEIR CLASS ANSWERS
I adore babies, I really do. So, when my times comes, I will have a dozen. I dislike viral forwarded messages on email, text, WhatsApp and wherever. So, if you send me such a message and tell me to forward “to get blessings”, I won’t. But when the forwarded message is about kids, and it… Continue reading
50 Life Lessons: Be a Better You!
We should always work to be better people. We have the tools, and they shouldn’t be wasted. How you decide to become a better person is up to you. It may mean being a better spouse, parent, sibling, son, or daughter. Perhaps it means being a better provider, a better employee, or a better employer…. Continue reading
40 Entrepreneurship Lessons From World’s Billionaires
Here is a collection of quotes from the World’s biggest entrepreneurs-Billionaires. Valuable advice for start ups: 1. “For me, businesses are like buses. You stand on a corner and you don’t like where the first bus is going? Wait ten minutes and take another. Don’t like that one? They’ll just keep coming. There’s no end… Continue reading
MCashBook: The Ultimate M-Pesa Application.
In a world of hundreds of Thousands of Android applications, I have ‘discovered’ an Application that is actually relevant … that works for me. M-Pesa is arguably the greatest innovation of our time, a revolution in mobile banking. Any banking has to have a trail, though-bank statements, a transaction history, among other reports. M-Pesa has been… Continue reading
Witty & Intelligent HR Questions & Answers
Witty…funny…just as I like them. Had to share: Here are some of the typical HR questions asked to find out if the candidates have “out of box” thinking capability Question 1: “What will you do if I run away with your sister?” The candidate who was selected answered ” I will not get a better… Continue reading