My Bad-ass Valentine’s Day Ideas

Last week, I was live on Radio Jambo, talking about Valentine’s Day and how to spend the least but make the best impression on Valentine’s. So if you had any doubts about my expansive knowledge of the subject of love, there you have it (twitches my fingers like a badass mafia capi). You can say “…awww, his… Continue reading

Books I Read in January

Yaay! I am achieving one of my New Year Resolutions – Reading. Last month started late and I promised myself to read two books, I finished the second book on January 31st. Makofi… Pa…Pa…Pa! (Funga! Fungua!). I may sound excited but it is the small wins that matter in life, right? This month I will… Continue reading

Bad Debt Chronicles: Musa

Everybody has encountered one, or many. Those people who, giving them a debt, under any circumstance, is like throwing your money into a pit latrine. People who have no tinge of guilt keeping money that doesn’t belong to them, and continue to live their lives normally, while you skip meals or get acid burns in… Continue reading

Taking a Cold Shower like a Ninja

Last week, Njaanuary sent me two messages, just a reminder that it exists. One, cooking gas went kaput, without warning as it always does- two gas cylinders all with 0 gas at night with minced meat on the plates. Then we woke up to no electricity – the units were also gone. You know how fast… Continue reading

Things 2016 Taught Me

I can’t believe 2016 was the same 12 month-long year as every other one, it felt much much shorter. What happened to the good old days when you would spend a full 12 months in one classroom? Then, time felt like time. This time it went faster than me in a sack race (I have… Continue reading

I Don’t Respect Women

And for this headline, the world will order for my stoning. The feminists will rise up and castigate me for saying the unthinkable. “How can you dare not respect women in this age, you archaic gorilla living in pre-colonial Africa?” “Your mother is a woman.” “Who says that?” “These are the type of men who… Continue reading

Chronicles of my Village, Gitura 2

Due to public demand, let’s continue from where we left. About the great city of Gitura. Well, it’s a village, but there is a Pastor who came to preach in a crusade at Gitura Primary School and he told God to bless the ‘City of Gitura’ … I was proud of my city my village… Continue reading

Chronicles of my Village, Gitura

The other day I was told of a women group on Facebook rivalling Kilimani Mums… it’s called Vuteni Stool. When a woman says, “vuta stool nikuambie”, know it’s going to be a hot story. I’m not a woman, not even remotely with this smug face of mine, but vuta stool I tell you about my… Continue reading

Hey, can we fight?

One day, my girlfriend (now ex) got into a fight with me because I didn’t fight her. Close your mouth… I also get girlfriends, I have a girlfriend. I just don’t post her photos on Instagram because, you know, witchcraft is real, and some jealous neighbour may see our heavenly happiness and decide to roga… Continue reading

Boys and Dogs

It’s Sunday morning. It’s been a week since you had your last bath. Your legs are the real definition of mpararo – complete with whitish-greyish drawings, atlas maps on your legs. Speaking of legs, you are showing lots of skin because your green, yellow or brown shorts reach mid-thigh like a socialite in hot pants…. Continue reading

If you are Circumcised

“Kama umetahiriwa nitusi tena.” I was in my village last week. And I took a walk around the village one fine evening inspecting projects of development. The girls I knew as babies were shyly smiling at me. Grown women who are now worthy of visiting my simba.  One or two now have babies of their… Continue reading

Take that selfie! 

I saw her every day, apart from Sundays, for two months. She came every morning, washed my utensils (how I hate that thing), washed the floor, made my bed. She would even change my towels, arrange my clothes that I sometimes forgot discarded on the bathroom floor, and flush my toilet. While I sat, unashamedly working…. Continue reading

Random Memories 2: The Sexpert

I was telling you the other day about my life with my grandparents. With the worms gone and a contract for the supply of mandazi signed with the local chef de mandazi, Kombo, life started. I went to school quite early, barely three, given there were no baby classes and kindergartens back then. They had… Continue reading

Invest in Your Woman!

The past few weeks have been quite fast for me. Long nights, hard work (which I enjoy a lot, by the way), hours facing a screen of sorts and, well, not having time for myself, leave alone lovers and friends. Takes a toll on life, trust me. But it is a phase you have to… Continue reading

Hello – The Nonsense Cover

Hello Niaje How have you been? You liked 11 photos on my Instagram yesterday, Did you stop because my 12th pic is a #WCW? That made me think unanistalk, Are you? Hello, can you hear me? Ni California (my childhood nickname), Namiss vile ulikuwa unaniita Calif, When we were young and free, I am now… Continue reading

Have You Seen This Idiot?

I hate Whatsapp! Let me rephrase that. I dislike some aspects of Whatsapp. Like the endless viral messages you receive from 69 people and in 13 groups. You may get the same freaking picture 7 times in the SAME group! I would uninstall it any time were it not for my stinginess with airtime. Why… Continue reading

Goodbye 2015, that was a Rollercoaster!

How years move! Just the other day, we were in 2014….kufumba na kufumbua, I have a 2016 diary. Is it only me or are years running faster every passing year? Or, is it a growing-old thing? A year was a very long time in primary school.  Have I been too busy? Too much has happened… Continue reading

THAT Year After High School

KCSE is over! I had forgotten about KCSE, it’s existence, and importance till this year. My brother, who has had a very difficult high school life and a live-in cousin have both completed KCSE. Welcome to semi-life, Evans and Alex. Now, please stop, and tell your parents to stop, calling me asking if you can… Continue reading

A Kenyan Man Goes to Buy Condoms

So the girl you have been eyeing for ages has finally accepted a sleepover and you have a feeling that this will be a good night. You had praised your kitchen skills on Whatsapp and she wants to taste your food. You will cook for her. So, you go to the market, or supermarket depending… Continue reading

Fat or Thin, you are Beautiful!

A girl friend of mine inboxes me on Facebook, “Frank, imagine someone called me fat today”. I ask her, “Who? Njoki Chege?” She hasn’t replied to me. I think she feels terrible someone called her fat. She actually isn’t big, she has a nice body, but could might have added on just a little weight. She is… Continue reading

Norah: My Flame!

We all have those contacts in the phone that are just that-contacts! Numbers and emails we have no idea where they came from. Or, is it only me? I have accumulated so many over the years, considering I have never lost my contacts since I got my line in Form 2. Some have just come,… Continue reading

I am Looking for a Wife!

Have you slept hungry, not because you don’t have food in the house, but because cooking sucks, especially when you know you will eat it alone? Have you then tried to sleep in a cold bed (in Limuru), alone, and still hungry? Have you woken up at 1:00 pm every Saturday, hyper hungry and stayed… Continue reading

Baite Inside! Yes, I am a Meru!

A few weeks ago, I was lazily scrolling my Facebook when I saw a beauty. Some of you will call me a fisi, but males are supposed to “see” beautiful females, right?  I see them a lot. But this one caught my eye. She was beautiful. I just like such photos. But I commented on this…. Continue reading

Fare thee well, Mfa.

Two children, A and B are playing in ashes. You know, the game of smearing ash on each other’s face to make “Kamuithia”. Child B’s grandmother meets the kids playing and panics. You see, the “ash” is actually a very poisonous coffee pesticide. She picks up her grandchild and runs off with her, leaving Child… Continue reading

The Nairobi Initiation 3: “I Swear I Didn’t Do It. Blame the Cat”

So I came to Nairobi… And did all manner of things, including walking all the way to Rongai and meeting my high school sweetheart, Makena. As I was telling you…meeting Makena introduced a new aspect to my Nairobi life… a new dimension. Read Nairobi Initiation 1. and Nairobi Initiation 2. Makena had progressed a big deal. She was way ahead of me in… Continue reading

Throwback: 1983’s Laptop

We were reminiscing about phones the other day with my friends. How mobile phones were huge just a few years ago, then started going smaller and smaller-the smaller it was, the more expensive and classy the mobile phone was. In standard human weird trends, the size started getting bigger again-now everyone wants a big phone!… Continue reading

Blame these politicians for the terror

Bad things are happening to my country. …very bad things, of serious insecurity types. Kenya has been known as the island of peace and economic stability in a region under siege….we have been brokering peace around us since independence. Now,the tide has changed.  We are on the receiving end of the very things we have… Continue reading

10 Corporate Social Media Mistakes

You are likely well aware of how powerful social media channels have become for Corporates and Brands. When used correctly and mistake-free, you can successfully promote yourself, brand, or product.They can also harm your reputation, big time. Let us look at 10 Mistakes you are probably making on your Corporate Social Media efforts and how… Continue reading

KIDS AND THEIR CLASS ANSWERS

I adore babies, I really do. So, when my times comes, I will have a dozen.  I dislike viral forwarded messages on email, text, WhatsApp and wherever. So, if you send me such a message and tell me to forward “to get blessings”, I won’t. But when the forwarded message is about kids, and it… Continue reading

50 Life Lessons: Be a Better You!

We should always work to be better people. We have the tools, and they shouldn’t be wasted. How you decide to become a better person is up to you. It may mean being a better spouse, parent, sibling, son, or daughter. Perhaps it means being a better provider, a better employee, or a better employer…. Continue reading

MCashBook: The Ultimate M-Pesa Application.

In a world of hundreds of Thousands of Android applications, I have ‘discovered’ an Application that is actually relevant … that works for me. M-Pesa is arguably the greatest innovation of our time, a revolution in mobile banking. Any banking has to have a trail, though-bank statements, a transaction history, among other reports. M-Pesa has been… Continue reading