Random Memories 2: The Sexpert

random memories sexpert

I was telling you the other day about my life with my grandparents. With the worms gone and a contract for the supply of mandazi signed with the local chef de mandazi, Kombo, life started. I went to school quite early, barely three, given there were no baby classes and kindergartens back then. They had to find something for me to do rather than spend time chatting with grandma’s drunk customers and getting tempted by yummy mole hills.

That was the first undoing. The other pupils were much bigger than me. They would harrass me. That big Murithi once shouted to the teacher that he had seen a flea jump from my sweater when I had never seen a flea. I didn’t know what it was… And the teacher, Severina, spent some time teaching us about fleas and personal hygiene. The other kids knew what she was talking about. I didn’t. I ran home in shame, because, in effect, they were saying I was dirty. Almost quit school.

The second setback came from my shoes. I had the best shoes, Bata Bullets, but my grandma always put shoes on komboo – Left-right. Right-left. She still does sometimes. And that’s how she would randomly dress me. And laughter followed me wherever I went. But I excelled in my tests and they all wanted to be my friends. They suddenly started viewing me as a child that didn’t need bantering. And I became friends with some bad bad company so early.

I knew about sex byΒ  the time I was in Class 2!

I started noticing my friends disappearing to the busy school farm with girl classmates during break time and I was really curious. I asked one and he told me they used to go to kufanyana. Ah! And what was that? He explained to me. I wanted some of that, badly. One of the girls in the squad was my seatmate, a bubbly girl we will call Joy because she is now happily married and her child is big enough to read this blog. So I tell her during class one day:

“Najua chenye uwa mnaenda kufanya break time kwa shamba”

Earliest blackmail.

“Eeh. Ulijuaje? Ata nilitaka twende na wewe. Si nilikwambia Nancy?” She asks the girl seated behind us.

“Lakini si tulisema Frank ni wangu? Wewe ni wa Kim (her seatmate)”

“Hapana. Mimi na Frank. Kim ni seatmate wako mfanyane na yeye.”

I was feeling rather sweet, with these two girls fighting over me. To solve the case, I told them I would fanyana with Joy that day, and then we exchange with Kim the following day.

I was going to get some!!!

It never materialized. The school farm was ploughed that day. I must be one of the unluckiest people in the whole wide world.

But I wasn’t losing hope. There were girls near my home. Within the week, I was humping the two girls on both sides of our home, Let’s call them Abby and Bianca. It was very easy and enjoyable, just lying on the girl and thrusting my waist.

Si hivyo… ni hivi!

One day, I met a boy, Edwin, who was visiting our other neighbours busy … on Bianca in our miraa farm! I was with Abby. But he didn’t know how to do it, Bianca must have tried to teach him the new game I had taught her. Poor boy. So I told Abby to lie down so that we could show them how it’s done.

“Edwin, si hivyo, ni hivi!” … happily humping away. There were no hard feelings. We could share. It was just a very good game.

I didn’t know the older kids, coming to the farm to have a release of their own in the guise of cutting grass for the cattle, were listening in to our sexcapade behind a bush. We heard people cracking in laughter. They still remind me ‘Si hivyo, ni hivi!’

My relationship with Abby ended one day when I was forcing her to hump me. I couldn’t understand how she couldn’t do it to me so that I also feel what she used to feel. Just lying on me and humping… And she couldn’t. I showed her a couple of times, but every time, she would get on top of me and do nothing!

So, I slapped her and walked out of our relationship, literally. For a few days.

My cousin came one day and told me if you pee on a girl, she buys a child. And me, being a lover of children, I started making it rain on my girls. That’s when I started undressing, no, dropping my pants and raising her dress during mfanyano.

I was the father of village “Cha Mama Cha Baba”

This Fisess Girl

Then I became a shy boy when what I had been doing finally dawned on me . When my new seatmate in class 3 insisted on holding my weener in class (some of these girls start early). She would shove her hands into my crotch every time. Even when the teacher was in class! This sexual harassment almost made me quit school. I told the teacher I wanted to go to the front to escape this. The boy we exchanged with now had a permanent smile on his face. He was enjoying the new life.

In class 5, I was back at it. The girl from class 3 was still after me. She even told her parents and bigger sisters that she wanted to get married to me, and they would roundly make fun of me every time we met.

Caught inΒ the act

So, I wrote her a letter one day, and told her it was time to prove if she really loved me. That we should consummate her love for me that day in the evening. So I wrote:

“Let us meet in the evening after class for mfanyano” πŸ™‚

I used to sit at the front..what I didn’t know, is that the letter had landed on the floor and the class teacher, Mr. Kathukumi saw it! He picked it up, read it, looked at me and smiled. I almost died.

He silently cut the paper around the edges silently, put it in his coat pocket.

And I went to his desk and told him.

“Mwalimu, hiyo letter umeweka kwa mfuko si yangu”. He calmly patted me on the back, and told me not to worry about it.

I was not a street smart kid, me. But I was a sexpert. In theory.

Today, I won’t tell you about the letter I wrote when I was in class 7, to a class 8 girl asking her to act porn with me. I will tell you how that ended, though- she sent our pastor to me.

16 Comments Random Memories 2: The Sexpert

  1. Joy wambui April 2, 2016 at 2:18 pm

    It seems you are a sex expert since you started mfanyano early hehehe this made my evening

    1. Frank Mwenda April 2, 2016 at 7:39 pm

      Haha. I may have mellowed out. Unless I take a refresher course. πŸ™‚

  2. Mercy April 2, 2016 at 7:56 pm

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜…πŸ˜… wah wah wah this is funny . frank u nailed it ….. literally.β€œLet us meet in the evening after class for mfanyano hehehe .

    1. Frank Mwenda April 3, 2016 at 7:45 am

      Mercy.. I started not minching my words wayy back. And it had to be said anyway.. πŸ™‚

  3. pukey April 2, 2016 at 10:11 pm

    oh jeez!am laughing ma ribs out…..am struggling to recall ur seatmate in class3 hahahaaa
    kuja utafanyaje basi!lol

    1. Frank Mwenda April 3, 2016 at 7:47 am

      Hahaha…. You won’t believe who it was… But she was a proper fisi. She moved on early in life, though. She has much much more achievements in the sex sector than me. Lol

  4. Elaine April 5, 2016 at 7:16 pm

    I love you as a sexpert. What size shoes did you say you have? Are your hands big?

    1. Frank Mwenda April 5, 2016 at 7:35 pm

      Lol Elaine. I have the longest shoe size available… Soon they will be making custom shoes for me.

  5. Ntinyari Lydia April 8, 2016 at 7:24 pm

    Hahaha. Mfanyano.

  6. Murugi Ndwiga April 15, 2016 at 9:47 am

    hehehe Weeeh this one jst made my day. reminds me of Ben my class two classmate who was obsessed with me lol

    1. Frank Mwenda May 11, 2016 at 8:57 pm

      Did you fanyana? Mean girl! πŸ˜‰

  7. Pingback: Random Memories 3: The Devil Did It | FRANKMWENDA

  8. Cess Mia April 21, 2017 at 7:36 am

    Those girls in your class were something. Ata wewe ulikua na manenoπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  9. Esbon July 12, 2018 at 7:33 pm

    Noma sana. At Bata you looked innocent. Hahaa mambozs shamba la miraa


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