A Man’s Guide to Being a Real Man

real man

The other day I told you to Be A Man … but I did not tell you how. Today I will pass some wisdom over to you. Keep it in thine heart. HERE IS HOW TO BE A REAL MAN!

Don’t Fear Shit. Being fearless doesn’t mean you don’t have fear, it means you know how to conquer fear. It’s good to test your fear, to overcome it. You see that miraa Hilux approaching and you step out to the middle of the road – pale Kangeta. That miraa pick up will stop. Or not.

Do what you say. If you tell people you’re going to step out to face the incoming miraa Hilux to test your fear, do it. Or you shut the EFF up!

Show lots of emotion. A real man isn’t afraid to let others see his emotion. You can be sad, happy, furious, angry, disappointed, ecstatic, all in the space of thirty seconds. Practice in front of your phone selfie camera.

Speaking of emotion, a real man shows his anger. He is angry about injustice, about wrong, about the fact that the sukuma did not have enough salt and he now has to call his small sister or daughter to bring the salt, AGAIN! You don’t have to be a Meru to be angry, btw.

Show your value. A real man is a valuable person in his work, in his relationships, to his family, to his cow, to his cockroaches. Especially, the cockroaches. They don’t cook and they need you. Don’t dare clean up the kitchen. Watakula wapi?

Real Men Cry

Cry. A man reveals his pain. He opens up to those he trusts; he cries and uses the pillow and the back of his hand to wipe away the tears and all the mucus when he watches 3 Idiots or other emotional movies in bed.

A real man loves without holding back. He gives it all. To his girl. To his children. His mama sukuma. His cockroaches.
Grow your mind. A real man should not only take care of his body but his mind too. He needs to strengthen it, to build it up, make it strong. You know what makes strong brains? Avocados and strungi. That’s just science.

Explore the world. Kneel on your bed and look outside. See what’s happening outside from your bed. Look at the cars and girls if you live at Plot 10 or other crowded places in Nairobi. Ooh, look at that bird soaring in the sky. Close your eyes and see the world from that bird’s eyes.

That’s being a man.


1 Comment A Man’s Guide to Being a Real Man

  1. Wicky July 6, 2017 at 8:02 am

    I can’t cry, even if I tried. See, am one of the few in my village since parting ways with the rest at kiigairo who didn’t blink that early morning by the Riverside while facing the knife. Am told your ilk now possess certificates as evidence of having passed through the ritual.
    Do those certificates count on one’s CV by the way?


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