I hate Thika!
The first time I went to Thika was less than two years ago when Mfa passed on. I have since associated Thika with death and I only go there if it’s absolutely necessary.
Like two Fridays ago when we had some work to do at Thika Technical.
There are few good things about Thika, at least to me. I don’t club so if you worship Thika clubs like some of my friends do, sorry, that’s boring. Neither am I good friends with the sun, and Thika has a lot of it. I think the only good thing about Thika is pork.
And after work that day, we walked to the Pork street of Thika. They have a whole street dedicated to pork restaurants. That might have been the biggest mistake we made that day – eating pork on a Friday like true kaffirs.
Why do I say this? Because of what happened shortly after enjoying lustful amounts of the dirty animal.
It was around 8:00 pm, thereabouts. Still strolling around Thika with toothpicks in our mouths like Kikuyu sponsors, we came across a street that had women lined. All sizes of women. The slender ones who looked like they were malnourished. The huge ones who look like a certain Njoki who works in a Limuru pub. And the plain janes who haven’t chosen a side. (Btw, I don’t describe women by their body shape unless they wrong me) Some in small dresses, others wearing only handkerchiefs around their crotches and chests, others in plain jeans and tops. I swear I saw one in a kitenge, like a church woman. Clearly, this was no church, these were ladies of the night. And this, right here, was their open market.
The first few in line; I think those were the freshest in the market (oops!), just looked at us pass. We did not look like we could pay, I guess. The next batch showed us some interest, and we earned some cat calls (is that how you girls feel when men whistle at you?).
The third batch was made up of the “beatest of them all” (or what would you call kuchapa?). These ones were blatant. The veranda was thin, so we walked in a line, Ben and Dan ahead of me. I saw two women block their path and start hugging them, you know like they knew them. I burst out in laughter. Women were mishandling two grown men! But men being men, they were playing that game – you know, asking them the price of certain elements like “touching” “room” “things I won’t say.” I was just laughing at them, with a tinge of embarrassment.
Not for long. Remember Wrestling? When a wrestler would pin another in a corner in the ring and work on them? That’s what happened to me next. Only this time I was Mysterio and the other wrestler was Rikishi.

This is Rikishi, btw
And, this time, it was not a soft ring… I was pinned to the wall! By Rikishi’s sister!

This one
Sexiest, literally, woman in Thika?
I was defenseless, as she started daggering and whining and doing what Jamaican riddim dancers do.
She kept telling me in Gikuyu:
Tuthii kashoti kamweย mundu. (Something to do with shots)
Of course, I was squirming like a kid refusing his medicine. I tried to shove her but she couldn’t move an inch. She was heavy. You can’t just move Rikish.
I was suffocating. she had a whiff of a stink. Probably people’s shotis.
“Mani, andu arume ni manjui guku Thika. Service yakwa ni best!” (Man, Thika men know me. I have the best service).
I was on the verge of puking now. Her three stomachs were bumping at me. She moved her hand to my crotch like she wanted to touch me down there and that’s when I swerved and hit her chest with my head, running away; I was almost run over by a car.
They laughed, their laughter sounding like the devil enjoying a scene in hell.
“Wewe ukajua vile mimiย ulilisha wanaume hii Thika haungehepa hivyo kama mtoto.” (If you knew how I make men cry/moan in this town you wouldn’t have run like a baby.)
I didn’t talk back. I just stood away as she called out to me and waited for Ben and Dan, literally shaking. Not with arousal… that woman would have made m impotent. I am still scarred.
So, we walked off discussing our ordeal. Turned out they also had had their share of tough loving – those Thika women are too aggressive. Can easily rape you.
Or, wait! They can steal from you. I paused, felt my pocket – my money was still in the back pocket. I am a wise guy, no one can steal from me. Or not.
Checking again, there was only a 50 bob note in my pocket! She has expertly separated the money and left a ka-50!
The prostitute had mugged me! Don’t tell me that’s pick-pocketing. That’s robbery with violence.
This is yet another reason to hate that damned Thika and I probably should start a Thika Initiation series.
Main Pic: Business Insider
Hilda Kinya says:
Wawawa! Pole. Sexual harassment na kuibiwa pia. Don’t even call them ladies of the night, they are there from as early as 2pm..
March 22, 2017 — 2:10 pm
Frank Kenyan says:
Ah… Ladies of the afternoon sometimes, then?
March 22, 2017 — 3:47 pm
Lyn Ndwiga says:
March 22, 2017 — 2:22 pm
Frank Kenyan says:
Cheka tu
March 22, 2017 — 3:47 pm
Mike Klez says:
March 22, 2017 — 3:34 pm
Frank Kenyan says:
March 22, 2017 — 5:58 pm
lorna says:
Lol. ๐ ๐ that was a good read
March 22, 2017 — 8:44 pm
Frankline Mwenda Kibuacha says:
And just as sad… ๐
Thanks for reading, Lorna.
March 22, 2017 — 9:29 pm
Muriki Timothy says:
….
March 22, 2017 — 7:41 pm
keren says:
Haha haha.my ribs.ngai atleast they gud wanakuachia fare.seems anajua how soo moja n ngiri feels like.im rafin so raudry…rikishi
March 22, 2017 — 10:52 pm
Sylvia Makena says:
Hahaha am imagining blogger Calif pinned on the wall by a prostitute…..
March 22, 2017 — 8:36 pm
Lovie Nomie Kinjah says:
alafu umeona hiyo size?? anamuita Ravisha ama nani?? Hahaha
March 23, 2017 — 4:46 am
Sylvia Makena says:
Wacha tu Dr Kinja
March 23, 2017 — 5:38 am
Lovie Nomie Kinjah says:
Thika full of sad memories en again this ordeal is laughable.. Hahaha.. eti analilisha wanaume. you made my day… Hahaha
March 23, 2017 — 4:44 am
Sylvia Makena says:
March 23, 2017 — 5:39 am
Aleks Xuah says:
Interesting
March 23, 2017 — 6:24 am
Ben says:
hahaha Thitiiima! Theeka Theeeka is a no go zone.
March 23, 2017 — 10:02 am
Frankline Mwenda Kibuacha says:
Ya Thicker tumeacha na nyinyi. Hehe
March 23, 2017 — 5:21 pm
Ma Shirley de CateKathanzu says:
You would have called me for rescue… Hahaha
March 23, 2017 — 1:13 pm
Frank Kenyan says:
You were too far. And my voice was stiffled
March 23, 2017 — 1:19 pm
Ma Shirley de CateKathanzu says:
March 23, 2017 — 1:20 pm
Ma Shirley de CateKathanzu says:
March 23, 2017 — 1:20 pm
Rafiles says:
It was not good, you rejecting those lovely ladies as if they had reprosy, it was not good but as the white people says: “of earth is paid on earth”
March 23, 2017 — 5:19 pm
Rafiles Dauthasi Ihugo says:
It was not good, you rejecting those lovely ladies as if they had reprosy, it was not good but as the white people says: “of earth is paid on earth
March 23, 2017 — 2:20 pm
Frank Kenyan says:
That Greek saying. ๐
March 23, 2017 — 3:52 pm
Rafiles Dauthasi Ihugo says:
Jared Mak Nyanumba in case you want to visit thika
March 23, 2017 — 2:21 pm
Frank Kenyan says:
Kwanza vile Jared Mak Nyanumba anapenda kula pork-o
March 23, 2017 — 3:51 pm
Asue Hunterz says:
Thika my home town
March 23, 2017 — 2:38 pm
Frank Kenyan says:
THAT Thika? Never make men cry. ๐
March 23, 2017 — 3:51 pm
keroh says:
I will stick to Caanan.
March 23, 2017 — 7:49 pm
Frankline Mwenda Kibuacha says:
Baana…. afadhali Canaan.
March 24, 2017 — 6:52 am
Naitwa Moh says:
Of all your posts, hii imenifanya nacheka ka fala! #auchmyribs
March 23, 2017 — 8:47 pm
Frank Kenyan says:
Nililie please, Moh… ๐
March 24, 2017 — 3:59 am
ElizBeth Muoti says:
Wawawawa. ..pole ..bt I can’t stop laughing. .so funny…jeeez
March 24, 2017 — 7:39 am
Frankline Mwenda Kibuacha says:
๐ Man must have experiences…
March 29, 2017 — 3:10 pm
Daniel says:
Chiiiisassss! I do not want to laugh because I am still terrified to this day! ๐
March 24, 2017 — 12:44 pm
Terry Nyagah says:
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa day made.
March 24, 2017 — 10:20 am
Frank Kenyan says:
March 24, 2017 — 10:23 am
Jedidah Nkunja says:
Na mimi hukanya hawa vijana wadogo wasitembee usiku, lakini huwa hawaskii
March 24, 2017 — 6:11 pm
Frank Kenyan says:
Kwani hatuwezi tembea bila kusumbuliwa na wamama?
March 25, 2017 — 4:47 am
donjon says:
Am a grammar Nazi. Change scarred to scared ๐
August 27, 2017 — 9:56 pm
Frankline Mwenda Kibuacha says:
No… it’s scarred. ๐
August 28, 2017 — 12:39 pm
Yolo1 says:
That was soo scarring i can imagine.
February 11, 2018 — 5:20 pm
charleysphere says:
Whats wise, being rikishied or being knocked down by a car. Interesting read my friend. Good write.
May 17, 2018 — 12:10 pm