Oh Shit… I love toilets!

toilet funny

Is there an award for the person who spends the most time in the toilet? I deserve that award – I’ve realized I spend insane amounts of time in that little room.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I have seen the toilet as an adult. You see, in Gitura where I grew up, the thought of shitting inside the house was unimaginable. Why would anyone want to do that unless they are in a police cell or too sick to move? So, we have long drop latrines as far from the house as possible. You squat, take a good aim and release. And no, you cannot take your phone into a latrine… balancing takes a lot of work, and you have to support yourself with the door or walls… and STILL aim for the hole and wave houseflies away.

These ones

In the past few weeks, I have made myself a new friend doing very remarkable things in the society. His name is Titi Kadu and he’s the founder of RaHa Solutions, which provides water tanks and toilets to needy communities. The motivation? Over 75% Kenyans don’t have access to clean water and over 50% don’t have toilets!
Let’s forget water for a moment… do you know how important a toilet is?  I mean, is there a more pleasurable moment than taking a shit… and how do these people enjoy their phones? Don’t phones get more interesting in the toilet?

So, imagine there are people who don’t enjoy these toilet pleasures… and you say you aren’t blessed?

I love the toilet, Oh God, I really love my toilet times. And my toilet time is sacred… Researchers say that an average person spends 4 days per year in a toilet, I think I spend 12. Why? That’s where I think, relax, escape… and most of my blog posts are written on the toilet seat, including this. Now you know why some of the things I write are so shitty. 🙂

It’s said that you shouldn’t work on your desk for too long without taking a break. I have been following that religiously… but my breaks have been spent in the toilet for the longest time, taking so much time I leave the toilet feeling weird. I mean, what do people think when they see me leave the toilet after 20 maneno minutes? But then, kila nyani na starehe zake.

But sometimes the toilet experience can be bad, really bad. You get into the toilet and your bowels start dancing (have you realized, even if you haven’t been all that pressed, when you get into the toilet it pulsates?)… but now, you realize the toilet seat is a huge mess? The people who pee on toilet seats, and those who step on them (how do you do that) have a special place in hell.

Related image

You get into the toilet and notice pee and mud, and hair on the seat… and wish for a moment that the poo can go back to your stomach. Even placing tissue paper on top makes you cringe, and assuming some of those difficult poses is an abuse to the sanctity of the toilet.

Stop doing that! Keep the toilet sacred… leave it usable. And I’m speaking as an authority in toilet matters… told you I’m an expert. And my expertise spreads far and wide. 🙂

Stop doing this shit on the toilet
You don’t have to do this shit on the toilet

I think it’s this expertise that made Florence of Lavena Care ask me to help her make toilets the sacred places they are, using an anointing oil on the toilet seat before sitting on it. So, ladies and gentlemen of Kenya, Lavena Care is a toilet seat sanitizer. Every heard of those? You simply spray it on the toilet seat, wait for like 6 seconds, wipe with tissue… and place your bum without fear. Germs gone, UTI out of the window… and it smells like paradise.

I have never been in a kanju toilet… I hear those things are bad. Very bad. And I don’t go to bad toilets. Some of us may not have an option, though, like girls who, when they got to go, they got to go. This Lavena is tested on kanju toilets, and other public toilets like schools (even UoN Men hostels), office loos and a certain public hospital. So yes! You can use a shared toilet comfortably. Like when visitors come to your place and you cringe over the state of your truly personal space.

FREEBIE ALERT: Since I want you to join the Choo Sacco, I will give you one or two of you a small bottle of Lavena Care Toilet Sanitizer – I can afford it, it’s only kedo 150 bob. Just comment on this post with a bad toilet experience.

Free Toilets

I also mentioned RaHa Solutions. RaHa Solutions doesn’t employ field officers to go around looking for villages and schools that don’t have water… it’s the public that nominates such communities. So, if you know of a community that doesn’t have toilets, or water… simply fill this small form. I am nominating my village Gitura… nominate your village too… who knows you can use that to campaign for MCA in 2022?

Enjoy your potty! 🙂

11 Comments Oh Shit… I love toilets!

    1. Frank Kenyan August 2, 2017 at 5:50 pm

      Thank you for reading me, brother. Are you reading in a toilet, though?

  1. Charles Njoroge August 2, 2017 at 9:04 pm

    justice done here!!! I remember I once went to the toilet and after the shitting stuff I realized I had no toilet paper. I remember I had to use my handkerchief to spoil the mess.

  2. Bernard Meja Muiru August 3, 2017 at 5:46 am

    The town toilets turned a VVIP office for people from Gitura. That reminds me how it’s hard to visit such toilets at night…you will need “kanyitera” (koroboi) to light your steps or else you sink. And remember only village born niggas who can walk more than two step without it going off. So imagine you have taken these yellow yellows from Ruaka to Gitura and she wants to shit…God forbid!

    1. Frank Kenyan August 3, 2017 at 9:11 am

      Haha. Yellow yellows from Ruaka use long drop latrines. Ask Sharrif Motomoto. But shitting without a sitting is hard work, man. That said, I miss home.

    2. Bernard Meja Muiru August 3, 2017 at 9:18 am

      And have you noted when you visit Gitura, the smell and quantity of the “dung” changes? (Thats medical i don’t have to educate you). So you have to balance yourself for a whooping 20min in that small room.

  3. Marc Bienstock March 22, 2019 at 2:17 pm

    Frankstar, great article, I can totally relate. I had to share with my wife who gives me no end of grief for the time I spend on the toilet; “how long you gonna be? What are doing in there?, etc. And yes, I am responding from the shitter. BTW, for the real toilet connaisseur you might want to consider a visit to Japan. The highlight of my trip was the toilet; heated seats, washing, and even music playing from the can… all operated with a handheld remote. You’ll love it. All the best my friend time to wipe, flush and start the day. My wife told me times up.


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