My Bad-ass Valentine’s Day Ideas


Last week, I was live on Radio Jambo, talking about Valentine’s Day and how to spend the least but make the best impression on Valentine’s. So if you had any doubts about my expansive knowledge of the subject of love, there you have it (twitches my fingers like a badass mafia capi). You can say “…awww, his girlfriend is soo lucky, dating such a romantic bae”. Well, Awww to you too! 🙂

Now that we have established I am an expert in these things, up there with Chris Hart and Gertrude Mungai, read on carefully on how to rock your Valentine’s Day on a shoestring budget. (Okay, the point is not the budget…)

Invent the Valentine’s Gift

You don’t have to buy her flowers because everybody else is buying her flowers. Actually, flowers are nonsense, and they are too boringly cliche, and they dry fast. Back in the days, right after high school, I got Lorna a muraa (that’s singular for miraa) as a Valentine’s flower. It was a joke but I am sure Lorna remembers that particular flower.

I am not saying that you get your girl a muraa – leave that to me… but invent. Show her that you gave her a special thought and did not just get her the trendiest thing on the street. Write her a letter on a flowered writing pad as we did back then (spray some perfume, too), give her a bunch of carrots, decide to have your Valentine’s the day after. Be unique.

Valentine's Day Kenya

Don’t Go to a Movie or Play, Act yours

Cinemas and play theaters will be fully jammed Valentine’s Day, so, don’t go to iMax or Alliance Francaise or wherever. You can do that on Saturday. This Valentine’s, act your own movie. Fight on the streets for her (make sure you win if you are the sterro of your movie), buy those water gun toys and “kill” each other, play some game, like kati or bathe in the river mpararo. Let her slap you so that you can kiss her in exchange, you know, the things that happen only in the movies.

Make it a dramatic Valentine’s!

photoshoot Valentine's
Take photos, enough photos to last your Instagram a year!

Stay Home and Cook, naked.

Well, if you aren’t married forget the “naked” part. Thou shalt never see each other’s things before marriage.

Yes, you can stay at home and cook something that you are not used to. It is okay to try new things, like boiling mukhobero with njugu and waiting to see the result after eating. Lingerie is too overrated, make your house the Garden of Eden before the snake – kaa bila.  If you decide to stay naked, make sure you stay away from the oil, that badass can destroy your skin… oh, and don’t touch each other with pepper.

It is okay to get carried away… the food will burn, but it will be fun.

cook together
Make it spicy, literally

Walk around town aimlessly

Pretend you are kids and walk around town with no destination in mind. Walk up and down like you did on school opening days. Pop into a chipo joint and order chips with kuku pono. A lot of people will be doing proper dinners so the chips joints will not be full.

Then walk to one of those benches in town, sit down and talk. Flag a hawker and order one of those Ginger Biscuits and Tropical. Enjoy the moment, gossip about the couples walking in red carrying stupid flowers and life size dolls.  And then walk into a park, remove your shoes, lay a leso and lie on the grass. Watch the ants. Buy a soda and bread. Drop litter and run from kanju, it is fun.

sit and talk this Valentine's
Just sit on a bench and talk about everything and nothing. Gossip!

Remind yourselves of the First Day

How well do you remember your firsts? The first time you saw each other, what were you wearing? Wear that. What did you say? Say that. Where did you go on the first date? Go there.  How was your first kiss? Redo it. See how much you can remember, and every time one forgets something, pinch them… or fine them. This way, I swear your love will be renewed.

Remember why you will be doing this – it is not that you have no money to treat each other, you will be doing this for the sentimental value and it beats any of those things people do on Valentine’s Day.

And in any case, Valentine’s Day is too overrated. Love your partner!


25 Comments My Bad-ass Valentine’s Day Ideas

    1. Frank Kenyan February 13, 2017 at 4:03 pm

      I have nothing for the singles, son. The singles can eat their ugali sukuma and sleep…or go out and play with the other kids

  1. Lindah Stephens February 13, 2017 at 4:07 pm

    The singles I have an idea for you..go to the cake shop and buy yourself a fudge cake slice, a bottle of wine, one that you can afford.. Go home light a few candles and enjoy with a movie. You can just enjoy yourself alone. Happy?No??Yes??

    1. Frank Kenyan February 14, 2017 at 4:03 am

      You are a nean girl… si ungewaambia wanunue hata paka wakunywe maziwa pamoja?

    2. Lindah Stephens February 14, 2017 at 9:10 am

      Hahahahaha…I just like it when girls can make themselves happy

    3. Frank Kenyan February 14, 2017 at 9:16 am

      When girls make themselves happy… mmmh

  2. Fridah Sheshe Maore February 13, 2017 at 4:16 pm

    Hahahaha!!miraa for valentine..That gal will live to remember that valentine gift bt not bcoz she liked it at all!

    1. Frank Kenyan February 14, 2017 at 4:04 am

      Haha… she remembers, the ones who got flowers still get flowers… and they always dry, literally and in the mind

  3. Nathan N. Mutuku February 14, 2017 at 4:13 am

    Boss say goodbye your woman today if you dare do that

    1. Nathan N. Mutuku February 14, 2017 at 5:57 am

      Everything you have said. Ati go to Uhuru park!

    2. Frank Kenyan February 14, 2017 at 6:29 am

      Haha… you should think outside the box. Hotels, you can go any day, do something different for Val.

  4. Fred Walker February 14, 2017 at 6:55 am

    You must be a genius frank.kudos!!!

    1. Frank Kenyan February 14, 2017 at 7:01 am

      Hehe, Mwarimu. Follow that and you will not be disapointed

  5. Sharrif Motomoto Martin February 14, 2017 at 9:23 am

    Hehehe.. I bet the outcome of boiling mukhobero en njugu is out of these world, need to try!!

    1. Frank Kenyan February 14, 2017 at 9:25 am

      I know you have the ingredients.. you are my miti shamba doctor. Ongeza ile dawa uone mambo

    2. Sharrif Motomoto Martin February 14, 2017 at 9:36 am

      Hahaha… Wacha 2 Its sensational, mind boggling amazing, astonishing, breathtaking, eye-opening, mind-blowing, spectacular, staggering, starting, stunning, stupendous, surprising, wonderful e.t.c highly recommended

    3. Frank Kenyan February 14, 2017 at 10:00 am

      Haya… tengeneza utaniambia matokeo

  6. Jedidah Nkunja February 14, 2017 at 11:06 am

    Your creativity is out of this world. …I’m feeling the love already after imagining all what you’ve said

    1. Frank Kenyan February 14, 2017 at 1:07 pm

      It’s classic, original Frank. Lol. Feel the love, love.

  7. Jedz February 14, 2017 at 2:07 pm

    Perfect piece


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